Monday, July 1, 2013

shoes baby shoes

Its time for somebaby to get some shoes!! We have been practicing walking a ton and now I feel like these little test need some support! I have been searching online with no luck, I dont know what shoes will be best for her teeny tiny feet!

I would like a pair of sandals but sneakers might be more supportive so now I feel I might have to take her out and shop with her. She loves shopping hut we have never shopped for anything she had to try on. I am excited for our first real baby shopping trip and also excited for some cute baby shoes. If anyone has any advice that would be greatly appreciated and I will update this post when I have some shoes to show :-D:-D

Monday, June 17, 2013


What really is failure? When I looked it up online I found it to mean unsuccessful, subnormal quantity or quality. Lately I feel like I am working at subnormal quality. I have a job that I can only do so much at, I have no car, bare minimum in basically everything, and I'm running around in a fantasy world thinking things will all work out but I won't have to lift a finger to make it. As the days wind on I have been finding myself breaking down more often. My flaws have been magnified by my family and my inability to be a better mom is growing harder to ignore.

I live a pretty easy happy life, but everyday, in every decision i make, there are at least 3 people mocking each of my decisions and making me feel less than the mom i want to be. I think in every mom story there are moments where she just doesn't feel good enough, or like she is doing the right thing, and as i write this I feel oddly encouraged to look my audience of hecklers in the face and tell them to squeeze out their own human being and make the choices for them but this is my child and I am doing a fine job!

I love being a mom. I love ge smiles and hugs I get from the child I care for, I love watching her grow and learn new things. It hurts sometimes, having to let her go, watching her walk away crying, but I know that with each tear there are millions more smiles and cute picture. I just have to keep looking onward at the baby I am making and stop watching the family around me who doesn't always know what's best.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

9 months

Oh my goodness. I cannot believe it has been over 9 months since Olive was born. She is 9 months old. Can i just say as much as this is by far my favorite stage of life it is also the most EXHAUSTING!!

She is into everything and wants to be everywhere. She loves to be held but has to be moving, i just want her to walk already.

Do not tell me "oh believe me you don't because...". I have already heard it and i do not care. She is already into everything and on top of that she has to always be walking which means i have to hold her hands all day helping her walk while I'm hunched over in pain or listen to her grunt and fuss... Ya I'd rather her walk.

She chatters up a storm, tries to sing, claps, kisses and has taken enough steps that she is so close to be ling a walker. 9 months certainly is a crazy age, but man i don't want her to grow... Well walk then freeze! 3 more months and my tiny baby is a year old. Eek!!!!

Monday, June 3, 2013

Finally a JOB!!

Tomorrow, Oli and I start our first real job since the month before I had her.

Before I became a mother I was a nanny. When I told them I was pregnant they had every intention of keeping me after I had my baby, but only a week later they found out they were also expecting a new arrival, so their other two children would have to adjust to a new baby without me, or two with me so I thought it best for me to not shock their home like that and they found a new nanny the month before I had my daughter.

I have always had the easiest time finding a job but as a mom planning to bring her young child to work it has been a really hard task. I have been searching now for 9 months(ya i started looking immediately after having my daughter) and just the other day(Saturday) finally got an official job!! I am beyond excited to be a working mom. I will be working in the nursery of a local gym with one of my good friends. Olive will be around other kids and her dad so.etimes works on the gardens outside. I just want everyone to know GOD IS SOOO GOOD.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

lazy mama

Lately this mama has blogged 0% of her true potential ;-);-). I hqve had time, I have had topics, I just haven't wanted to blog with no pictures. Picasa and blogger dont yet have apps for my windows phone and it just breaks my heart ;-);-).

Alas I have decided I cannot continue to neglect my blog. So here's a little update:

My younger brother known here as "Cle Smoke Stack" has returned from his bicycle trip from Maine to Minneapolis in an attempt to save out tumor ridden Labrador from the needle, but sadly his old doggy body could not handle the surgery and he passed away on Tuesday morning. He was a great dog and will be missed. Uncle Smoke stack spent all of his money on out dear Nemo and now must remain home looming for a job and skipping his bicycle tour guide training. Its been nice having home though.

My sweet baby girl has grown and taken her first steps at a mere 8 1/2 months. I am nervous for the walking faze since she already wont slow down to a walking pace in her beginner steps :-/. She is o er joyed to be on her own and I know we are all in for it.

Her daddy and her have been bonding. He and I have spent quite a bit of time conversation about her and our parenting together but separate seems to be working out quite nicely. The next 18 years should be a breeze in that department. We still have some little separation anxiety to work on for the little one, but nothing looks impossible from my new perspective.

I am job hunting, which just seems over whelming, but having a job will be more than worth it.

I have been sewing amd painting up a storm. Hope everyone I know wants home made sh## ;-);-). I even made little O and I matching skirts. Life couldn't get much than this.

<3<3<3 hope everyone is doing well in thei blogging and ill be back on my reading commenting game now... Hopefully ;-);-)

Saturday, May 4, 2013

a sad day in Oli land

So today is a little bit of a sad day here in my home. My brother the bicyclist has left on his second trip. Yes this trip has been long awaited and put off many times, but its sad none the less.

My little Ol has loved having her uncle smoke stack around to keep the music alive and do silly dances for her. He is such a special person and not having him around all the time will just be so much less fun.

He has gone to Minnesota to  train to be a bicycle tour guide for long trips such as the one he is currently on. He is riding his bicycle from on the border of Maine and New Hampshire to Mnnesota, His last trip was from here to Florida. He sure does love his bicycle and seeing him leave this morning, though exciting in some ways, is just sad.

If you are on his route and you see him ride by be sure to wave or offer him your lawn to set up his tent ;-D. He only needs a small patch and he is a good kid.

Heres his picture:

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

my grill cleaning technique

So tonight my daughter went to her dads and I set out to bar b que some chicken.

We recently had to get a new grill because our old one had built up too much grease and was deteriorating all over the food. The new one has already collected a lot of grease as well so after grilling on a partially clean area I left the grill on a higher setting to cook off some of the grease and make it easier to clean with the brush. I went inside to give everyone the food and grab some for myself. After walking into the kitchen I got into a conversation with my brother who hurried me into the living room to watch kung fu with my dinner. Needless to say I FORGOT, that I had left the grill on... For an hour and a half!!!!!! Thankfully it shut itself off by running out of propane and was cooled down by the time I got out there. Ya I forgot my grill on for so long it ran out of propane and shut off, I feel really responsible. At least I didn't have my baby here. O would feel so awful being the mom who leaves the grill on all night. Well nothing burnt down and the grill is actually quite clean now. So it works! Kung fu grill cleaning at its best!! :-D:-D

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Blogger Blog-ck

Gosh its been so long since I sat down and wrote anything. I have been trying to write about all sorts of things. yet nothing has come together. Today of all days is just a bad day to blog because my head is !aching. I don't know about you, but I just cannot look at a computer screen when I have a head ache.

I think this blog might soon become a fun DIY blog since this mommy has started doing all sorts of new things. I began sewing, painting furniture, and I have a few other new additions to my abilities that I haven't perfected yet! Life is good, though I need to buckle down and post more about it, I have been enjoying it all!

I swear Ill be back at this consistently soon... I just haven't found a good rhythm to my life yet.

Pictures to come soon!!

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Back to the bible

So I have been going through the beginning stages of a "transformation" in my life. I have been out of a real job since just before having my baby, this has brought me to start looking at not only what I want to do in life, but who I am.

This little start has made me realize something. I was raised a christian and have always known there is a God. I have been very blessed my entire life, I have watched my mother go from blessed to even more blessed through blessing others in her ministry for the local homeless. Its unquestionable, he is real, but that doesn't mean following him has always been easy for me.

I have dropped down my moral latter till I could reach no further. I have to say falling away was very easy. It didn't feel good and things never were quite right, but it was simple. Now that I am making strides back towards God I am seeing how easy it was to go the opposite way, but how hard it is to change my mind set back to following God. I know its whats right, and once I make better habits, it will be far easier. Currently, in these beginning stages, it is difficult and I feel like such a failure. I want to just break down and cry, but its showing me how far away I have gotten.

It makes it so much easier knowing God is there giving me strength and saying "Eva, this is good for you, it hurts now, but it will make you stronger adn life better. Keep going, you can do this through me!" I just need to press on through my frustration. Its hard, but through Christ I can.

WAAAHHHHHH!!! Thankfully he gave me a beautiful baby to enjoy on this horrendous path I made on the way down!

I have actually joined a church class/group called "cleansing streams" and the homework is ripping my mind apart so there may be a few downer posts before I am happily chipping away the old and building the happy new again.

Friday, April 12, 2013


My life is a pretty darn good and even easy life. The lessons I learn are always so gently taught and come just at the time I more ready for them than I think. Last night was a little rough, being the new schedule of two overnights for my baby with her dad, but I MADE IT, and in a couple hours she will be home.

Every day is different and I'm finding I keep getting busier and busier. I am running out of that free, easy blogging time... I know... rough right?!?1 ;-P Just kidding. Its great. I have dome "work" related projects started and a new group that comes with HOMEWORK... ew, I hate that word and the thought scares me... but I will do it!!

Last night I even got to enjoy hanging out with both my brothers and just be silly. I lost 3 hot glue sticks and there's dog hair in one of my painted projects, but it was worth it ;-D! Its been the 7 months of motherhood plus a few of the pregnant months since we have stayed up really late laughing and making a mess. We have always been a little ridiculous and last night we proved we haven't the glue and paint!

It feels so good to be busy for real again. I was beginning to think this mommy life I was on was full mommy all the time, though I didn't do anything crazy different or get out of the house for long, it feels good because a lot got accomplished off my to do list. I even have clean bedding ;-D!!

Well I will probably be busy more often now, which means I dont know how often or how well I will blog, but I will be reading all my new blogs, especially my favorite by +Erda M. Kamal!!!

**Watch me fiond more time now to blog after this :-/**

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

who taught you to hide?

As I listen to "No one ever taught us to hide" by Jason Reeves it makes me think about this in my life. There are so many different ways to think of this. I can think of it in the usual sense, like when I see someone I really don't want to talk to so I duck behind a large display at the store just to get caught later at the register, or in a little less obvious sense, like when I am mocking someone for doing something because deep down I am hiding how I feel about myself.

I dont know about you, but I have been finding mommyhood has held up a mirror for me, shined a light, bringing out some nasty little hidden areas that, if ignored, could potentially hurt my ability to raise my child. It wasn't easy to see the connections between how I felt about certain people and how it may affect my ability to be a mother, but once the light was turned on to the dark corners of my secret hiding place I realized I absolutely had to do something about it.

I had been allowing myself to put a lot of energy in negative feelings and thought for a certain person, that was spilling into negative feelings for several people. All the energy and anger building up was exhausting and frustrating. I would avoid seeing this person at all costs, I would spend a lot of time talking to the people who knew this person, not only hurting myself and the person I was talking about, but hurting the ears listening. Its not always easy to see but sharing negative stories with people who have a slight aversion towards someone begins to grow that aversion and drag those people down to that dark place where cob webs grow and people get lost.

If I continue to grow this negativity I will  be teaching my child not only to dislike the same person, but that my behavior to treat him the way I do is okay. I would show her running from her problems is okay. I would show her snappy, rude responses were okay. I had even let my negativity roll over to how I treated HER father. Before I became a mother I swore I would never utter a negative word about my child's parent ever, no matter the circumstance. With the mindset I have slipped into I have allowed negative words to flow from my mouth in front of her multiple times, and though she is young, I refuse to allow myself to be okay with it. She needs good role models, I have said this to her father may times, but have not thought of it in my own life, so I commit now to change my thoughts first so I can change my actions.

The thing about thoughts is they are so easy to let go wherever they want, but there are repercussions that are not always noticeable since they are not immediate, nor do they point towards those thoughts. They escape judgement and immediate disciplinary actions. Keeping my thoughts in check has proven to be a task, but one I am working hard at and has already shown it worth. As I work on controlling my thoughts I notice being around people I dislike gets easier and my whole day runs smoother. Its amazing what happens when we grow up!

Have an Oaty day

The other day I decided my little healthy baby should try some oatmeal, she loves trying new things. I pulled out the baby food processor thingy ground up the oats, boiled some water and whisked it all together. I threw in some tiny peeled bits of apple for flavor and TADAAAAH LivI style Oatmeal!

We had a little interruption right before sitting down to eat because Gitto (Lebanese for grandfather) needed a ride from where he had dropped off his vehicle at the shop. Olive didn't seem to mind... off went on a morning adventure to find Gitto.

When we returned home the oatmeal was perfectly cooled so we sat down to enjoy our oatmeal.

After only a few spoonfuls, I accidentally dropped the spoon off the edge of the table... okay Liv technically smacked it out of my hand and it flew across the room too far to reach sitting in my chair easily ;-D. I looked at little Liv and thought for a second... I had a wonderfully terrible idea... maybe she could handle the whole bowl herself. Her hands + a bowl of oatmeal? Great idea right? Well it was entertaining aannd made for some cute pictures, so I wouldn't say it was a BAD idea ;-D.

After only a few minutes everything in a close range was covered in oatmeal and Liv was looking at me like "whats next I'm finished redecorating the kitchen!" So I cleaned up and OATMEAL bath for the baby. I used the same ground oatmeal (uncooked) and gave her skin a much needed refreshing bath. She has had some dry patches on her legs so the oatmeal really helped! There was oatmeal in so many areas of the house after our fun Oaty day, but we enjoyed every little oat of it all!! ;-P

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Learning and doing

Today was a busy day already. I have been trying to start up my own business, but to do this I need to figure out what I like doing enough to sell.

I did however set up an office and today I painted a nice chalk board on the wall in front of my desk. Its cool! I like it, I will up date a picture of the whole office when its done, for now just a picture of the board.

Ya I should probably do something with the rest of teh cement wall I am realizing!

I did my mommy thing while my little Liv is at her dads, which includes food shopping, project narrowing, cleaning, laundry and finally making her baby food. I just made her sweet potato today, and Ill blend up some rice and oats for later to be made daily. Even with all that done, my home is still a mess and I feel so unaccomplished. It amazes me what I can do and still have a sea of things to do.

*Taking a breath*

I cant even imagine how anyone else even does it. I have three periods of time where Liv is with her father and I still feel like there isn't enough time in a day. I just want to lay with my baby and forget the rest.

Well lately I have been seeing my pastor as I have mentioned in an older post... you know things are so clumped together lately I cant even remember what I said about it ;-/!

Anyway I have just learned so much about myself and areas I need to change. I fear, so strongly, taking any leaps of faith in life, I fear making mistakes. Why though? I mean if I take a step forward and its wrong I will just end up back in the same old place. I need to relax and just
GO! I think this will be my new motto... till I forget, but for now I will use this!

I think motherhood is a giant mirror held up to show all sort of things we can and should change. As a mom I strive to be the best I can be, not for me, but for my child. I want her to emulate someone great, not the meek person I am. I can only pray for the best and know that with God I will be able to show her enough to enable her to be a good person! More on this later!!

Friday, April 5, 2013

bubble lovin toothy baby

7 months and four days or one more day until shes 31 weeks old and her first tooth is officially showing through! Its just barely breaking any surface gum, but I can see and feel it!

I'd say it's been 5 months of teething and four days of INTENSE teething to get here. I feel so bad that shes been in pain, but i am happy she finally has a tooth to show for it all. Now to get all the rest :-/

I must say I totally forgot about bubbles. My mother got us a big wand tube with a bottle of refill bubbles and I realized babies should all come with a bottle at birth. All week that has been the big moment saver. When she was upset I whipped out the bubbles and blew them in her room, in our sunroom, even in the kitchen.... I mean I used them outside too, but I didn't care where we were, if she was upset... Bubbles it was!!!! I have always loved bubbles, but now I have a whole new love for them. They are going on the grocery list to keep in stock at all times! Every time a group was blown my she baby was pushing me to chase after them or throwing her body towards them! I love it. My dog seems to have an aversion towards them, but thats okay, my baby likes them so they are a keeper.

Now that the suns been out and its getting warmer we will be outside enjoying the animals, the grass(which she was tearing out of the ground and throwing today ??) , andddd... BUBBLES!!!!

Thursday, April 4, 2013

muscle practice and life

Okay, remember how I said I was going to stop co sleeping? Ya... Im not.

I woke up this morning next to my sweet angel baby... Okay by sweet angel baby I mean her overall "ness" not last night. Last night she acted more like one of those babies they use in schools to teach high schoolers what being a mom is like, except this one was stuck on scream-every-hour just to test my patients!

So starting again woke up, head throbbing ;-),  best to my sweet angel baby, who is still asleep in her cute little baby sleeping position. As i lay here thinking about how truly blessed i am, i look at her face and notice the muscles in her face are practicing smiling as she sleeps. She is so cute smiling then letting to, smiling again then letting to, over and over again! As i watch my baby's face muscles practice smiling it reminds me of how we, in our every day, have to practice seeing the beauty and smiling. Happiness is something we have to accept and practice. Its so easy to get in a rut and see what's wrong with life(I've spent all too long there lately) I have to start looking for the beauty God has so wonderfully placed before me. Its everywhere and so obviously placed, but I so easily pass it by in my daily routine. I need to remember to enjoy the beauty and... Let my face muscles practice smiling more often !!

Monday, April 1, 2013

7 months

Today I woke up next to a 7 month old. I would like to know who came in and took my teenie tiny baby and gave me this huge, smart, beautiful, amazing, little sponge of a baby?!?!?!

Okay, in real life though, I am AMAZED at how much more I love this larger more active creature. Each and every day this amazing human being is learning new things, trying to communicate and walk. She is ever changing.

The first day of motherhood, the first moment of motherhood, I thought I had learned the most amazing love. I thought this love could never be surpassed by any other, but today as I look into my baby's eyes I know this love has grown, matured, into a love that will continue to grow bigger and better with each passing moment.

How is it that I deserve such an amazing love? How is it that this love could be bestowed upon those who have never given it before? It amazes me and shows me that Gods love is so great and unconditional, that even though I was living in sin, he gave me something I could never imagine and definitely never earn! I was given the gift of life within me.

God doesn't look at our deeds or what we have to offer, he looks straight into our hearts. He sees our intentions and our desires and on that he loves us. He loves me, he loves you! It just amazes me that I turned my back and walked so far away but he didn't say "eh you never did anything for me" he just said "I love you and I want what's best for you!" I am amazed and so humbled! Thank you God for loving me and blessing me with this gift of life.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

oh beautiful spring time

I am so grateful spring is finally actually acting like I wanted it to. The sun was out today and we are working our way up to the 50 degree mark(F for those in the C areas ;-);-)). We totally took full advantage of the nice weather and walked about 3+ miles to and from a  friends house with Uncle Smokestack and our old dog.

Baby was totally thrilled to be out of the house. She was screeching happy loud noises(they were cute trust me!) and chatting as we walked the road. She heard and watched streams flowing, tried to spot the birds making noises all around us, got a little nerves of dogs barking at our dog, and just enjoyed all the new sights and sounds!

It is just amazing watching her learn new things and interact with people. She's constantly changing and doing new things. Im so in love wit this exciting journey called mommyhood.

When we got to my friends house the dogs didnt get along so we didn't stay long but while we were there baby interacted with a few different people. Baby has a few silly new tendancy with toddler/preschool age children. Last week at church a little girl tried to kiss her head and baby tried to grab the girls face, warding off any further attempts, then today she wanted to eat her friends hand and got told off in sign language. She really enjoys grabbing everything and putting it in her mouth. Even though baby has a lot more learning to do its highly entertaining seeing what each encounter with other children holds! I cant wait to see what happens when we are more mobile and hanging with more children more often!!

Life is springing up all around us and showing me it's time to live! No more winter hermit!!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

A little Public Display of BABY LOVE

Ive seen these done by a few blogging mommies and loved it, but not sure who to give credit to...but my favorite bloggy friend does something similar to this in almost every one of her blogs at

 I wanted to keep track of my mommy hood so here is a little love letter for my love

Hey baby.

You are the most amazing human being I have ever had the pleasure of being around. I know for sure God created you specifically for me and my eyes. I look at you and I cant see anything that could ever or would ever be changed. I love everything about you.

Lately you have been giving me these little sassy eyes and I know out future holds some crazy moments, but as of right now they are so freaking cute. You shut your eyes and express some important stories with your most serious voice. I dont know what a single word is that you are saying, but I know its important. I love listening to your every sound. I could listen to your wordless stories for the rest of my life with no other noise... ever!

I am beginning to wonder if you are against crawling. You just seem so much more ready to get up and walk! I dont mind you going straight to walking, but i think mastering crawling might be easier right now... think about it!

 How about your eating habits? O started you on food between 4 and 5 months, but we took a break about a week ago because everyone was sick and you had no desire to eat regular food. You were still into nursing so I wasn't too worried, and you got right back on the food train. Lately we have been between puree and baby led feeding. You fed yourself a peeled apple, got mad when I tried to help, then proceeded to throw it onto the floor, so that was fun. I love watching you experiment with food and I must say I am excited to show you all kinds of wonderful food, like ice cream, cake and cookies... ya we are healthy over here ;-D!!

I am more in love with you today than the day you were born. I don't think I could possibly love you more, but I know tomorrow I will learn there is even more love for you somehow! I miss you tonight and I cannot wait for your daddy to bring you home. Know you are the love of my life and I would go to the ends of the earth for you or stand still forever if I had to.

My love grows for you even when you're not here
Forever in my heart and as long as possible in my arms,

its a happier life

Today is a gorgeous day. The sun is out and its warm enough for shoes with no socks ;-);-). We just took our lab/retriever mix to the beach and it was so relaxing. My mind feels so much lighter to not be inside hiding from the cold dreary weather.

Today is another overnight for my baby girls and I realize her father and I have become... Well... I think we are friends. How did this happen? I believe we both may be in on this, but I know for myself, I have been letting more and more go. I must say it is hard, but ultimately I know that letting as much go as I can is going to help us all in the long run! As hard as it is to let the things I feel are important go I have to or I wont be doing my part in helping Olive have to happy healthy parents.

I am a whole half of the parenting system and I can keep that whole half in whatever role I chose, I chose to be a happy, healthy adult parent. Every time I let something go or do my part to make things easy I am also keeping the other party from trouble. If I chose to pick at everything he did wrong he would have the option to fight as well, but by avoiding any and all fights on my part I am not even giving that him the option, though it seems we are both thinking a little more every time we see each other about how we can do that! If I let my end go, though, it either makes it harder for him to hold up his end, or it gives him a wide open door to the trouble we were in before.

In parenting of any kind you really have to think about how big of a deal is what you are about to try and fix? Is what you are about to say or do really going to affect what already happened? I always got into this mind set that if I didn't tell him right away, for some reason, something bad would happen, but in reality I was just go into things too soon leaving him confused and me still feeling like I didn't get anywhere with what I said. I need to give it some thought and think about how big of a deal was it really and whats the major point I really need to make. This not only saves me from feeling lost, frustrated and still needing to address the actual matter, but also gives me time to find the appropriate place to address it, like not with my baby in the middle of the situation where we both are upset!

Once I think it through, lately, I find a lot of it just isn't important enough to vocalize. The other night he called and said he had taken her to do some work stuff and I said nothing, planning on saying something when he arrived with her. When he arrived at my house not only had I kind of forgotten about it but he was dressed in clothes that proved to me whatever work he was doing, he doubtfully needed to be far from her and wasn't messing with anything that would prevent him from being a good parent. I have just realized that not only will God protect her, but she has a good father and though he is not a trained professional, he loves her and will do his best to give her what is best... plus I think he knows bad things will happen if he did anything beyond stupid!

I am so happy and thankful with ow things are going and I can only hope nothing messes this up, though there are always new hurdles to jump in any situation and this ones not set up for ease!

Saturday, March 23, 2013


I am a mom. It happened. Im not sure if you say it happened at conception or birthing, but I've been carrying around a live baby since September 1 2012. I am still in disbelief that the tiny human being giving me her sassy eye is the same one that spent 9 months squeezing my bladder and eating so much food she should have come out an obese man, not a 6 pound 15 ounce baby girl! Shes is here. I am a mommy.

I remember thinking "I have to keep my mind off the birthing process or I'll never make it through, oh man how am I going to make it through!?!?!?" and here I am 6, almost 7 months later with the baby I squeezed out. I didnt even break her... Shes perfect!

Is it not amazing that a human body can create another human body, maintain all of its needs for 9 months internally with no assistance but once that human body comes out you need way more assistance? Crazy!

Crazy how my body knew to start producing milk and the second little O goes to retrieve said milk my body instantly produces it and I dont even have to try! Its just amazing. My body is so smart and has skills ;-)! Im pretty impressed with me ;-);-)!

I am pretty impressed with you moms... No matter where your baby came from, im really impressed with you and the amazing job you did. Adoption, vaginal birth, c-section, whatever other ways a baby can come into your life.... Everyone of you loving beings I  am impressed with you and how you are here, a mom! Keep being a good one and know you are!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

blog lovin? or just blog likin ;-P

<a href="">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>
I was told to post this in my blog for blog lovin, so if you are lovin my blog or even if youre likin it follow me when I figure out how to get a bloglovin follow button ;-P!!

So I went and got a bloglovin whatever, but I'm a blogsnail and I am not sure if I am doing this right but Ill be following people on my new bloglovin reader and I think you can follow me too, but that part I'm still working on!! I dont know if I have ever done it right, I think I might have been just enjoying doing nothing too long. I tend to try and avoid blogging with my daughter because I just get so side tracked. I cant even do it when shes sleeping!

Today, while she was passed out, I started three different posts but finished ZERO because she just has the cutest little sleep face and I just want to cuddle up to her and never move! Now she is with her daddy and I can blog, but I have several mommy duties to tend to so thats not first priority so just go BLOGLOVE me!!!!! ha ha ha

Sunday, March 17, 2013

sick baby +sick momma = chicken noodle soup kind of weekend

This week the whole house got a yucky tummy bug. It was my very first time being sick as a mom... yes I did say that like it was a super cool thing, I mean hey, I made it through the night being super sick while having to be a full time mother!!

**co-sleeping and puking do not mix** ~you're welcome ;-P~

Okay so its not cool, but it was an experience! Any way after washing everything in my house that could have been touched by me or sick baby at 3 am I took out a whole chicken and prepared to make some full on homemade chicken soup. I waited till the next day of course!

The recipe I used~

1 whole chicken
4-5 carrots
a large stalk of celery(is that what you call it?)
2 onions peeled and cut into fourths
salt, pepper, and thyme to taste
chicken broth if you'd like

I boiled the whole chicken until it was easy to remove from the bone. I pulled the chicken out of the now homemade broth and skimmed the top of the broth to get rid of the chicken yuckies. 

Add the onions and, after removing all but about 4 branches of celery, add teh "heart" or still stuck together parts to the soup so the bottom is hung on the side and the top leafy part is in teh broth as I did here
Let that just stay over low heat for a while with some thyme, salt and pepper till the celery is limp and the onions are clear.

While waiting peel carrots and cut up carrots and celery. Cut the chicken off the bone. Boil pasta a majority of the way.

remove the celery and leaves , leave the onion. Add your carrots and celery(add extra veggies if you want I added spinach) and heat till the carrots are soft. Add pre-cooked pasta (cook almost all the way, I did it for 10 minutes for my elbow pasta).

Add chicken and EAT!!


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Hold you

♫Music♫, what can change a mood or a day like ♪ music??

I am missing my baby girl today and as I showered with some pandora playing in the background a song came on called ♫ "Held"♪ by Natalie Grant. In this song the lyrics sing ♫"The promise was, when everything fell, We'd be held."♪ It just took my whole mood and changed it.

 **There is no more cancer or any big crazy moments happening as the song sings of, just the ordinary problems of a single parent figuring out parenting**

The song is stating that God is there to hold ME! The promise isn't I will be coddled and live in a bubble, no, we have to live our lives and when the moment comes that everything is stripped away he is there to hold us through it. THROUGH IT, meaning we have to go through it, no easy button! I am learning so much through this process of rejection and yet still love. I love my baby in a way I can never replace, understand or even explain, but I also, in a weird way, am developing a new kind of love, a love for the person I want to hate.

I had a strong desire to put this dysfunction, the dysfunction that is my now life, into a family. I wanted to take the man who fathered my baby and keep him. I know its crazy, but since we already had to be together so often I started to just see how it could work as a family. I put this desire into feelings and laid those feelings out for this man to put off making a decision on multiple times, till I could no longer take what it was doing to me and told him to tell me his feelings, and ultimately let me feel that rejection.

It hurt. It hurt to feel rejected in such a vulnerable place, but it also felt so good to be relieved of trying. I was trying so hard to not jump out of my skin waiting. I was always waiting for him to just give me something. He gave me my answer and as much as it hurt, I was held! I was held and I am making my way through it. I am even learning to love him in a platonic way. I love that he is good to my baby girl. I have  a lot of moments I want to freak out, I often blog those moments, but  I am learning to have this underlying love. I am learning to control that love and keep it platonic. All through all of this, all of this learning God is there telling me he loves me and holding me through it. I can always count on him to be there whether its hard or easy, whether I like my circumstances or not, I am held and taken care of. I can look up and keep moving.

God may not take away everything bad and make everything perfect for us to coast by, but if he did would we learn anything? Would we really be happy just living a blah life? I mean I could definitely use a smoother day here or there, but each moment, each day teaches me. I get to wake up every day, hard or not, and enjoy life as a mommy, eat, breath, smile! Life is good no matter what happens because its life still.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

My self is my romantic enemy

Right now everything seems to be leading my mind right down the unhappily single road... my mind keeps wandering to what should come next, but I am not ready to date, or even meeting anyone. I like the idea of dating, I mean who doesn't, we were created to not be alone!

I have loved being single for most of my pre-mommy life. There's no need to make time for anyone else. I never have to make plans outside of Liv's little life now! A man right now would just be a hassle, he would need time, he would have other things he needed and wanted, I just don't have time for anyone else right now. I don't have time or energy for it, but I want it now more than I did before.

I have always done a great job being single. I was always busy telling people off, never thinking twice about wanting to be with someone that badly, alone felt so right. Right now alone feels okay, but my mind is constantly going back to the idea of love and being with someone. I feel like bringing a child into this world requires two people, not just two people to co parent separately, but two people to support each other, show love to each other in a way that teaches love to a child through action. Yes showing love can just be loving your child, but I also know there is something special about a man and a woman who chose each other and continue to chose to make life together no matter the difficulties.

 I know its not a bad thing to be a single parent, its the norm now. People everywhere do it successfully. I just want to do it with someone. I am not about to go out and find someone because I know it will be even harder adding someone else to our mix right now and I'm not looking for any of the right reasons, but man how nice it would be to have someone to do all of this with in love. I guess I am just growing up, I am just desiring to find someone and settle down.

Life is great where it is now. I love being a momma!! Its the best experience ever, I just wish life would stop pointing out the missing piece. I am constantly seeing my brain turn into this romantic monster. I dream of all the things I dont have. I have it all and somehow the romantic monster steals my mind and reminds me I could have even more. No more monster! I vented here, now I must concentrate on my happiness single, my happiness with the best child a me could ask for ;-D

Saturday, March 9, 2013

luckiest human alive

Today I feel it, I feel it every day. I know I am the luckiest human alive! I spend every day with my now 26.6 inch 16.6 lb baby girl. I have had 6 blessed months of just being a mommy, and though I get caught up in the tiny details of difficulty every once and a while, I have it so good!

Today consisted of play, play, eating a ton, play, enjoying the outdoors, a touch if napping(not a good amount), and insane amounts of squealing laughter. I cant imagine a better day! I cant imagine looking into more perfect human eyes. Im sure each mom feels this about their own set of baby eyes, but I just feel so special to have these eyes every single day.

Nothing could be better than this love. She is my everything and when she lays her head on me i feel the pure, unassuming love she has as my baby.

For my entire life I have never known a love like this, never been more sure of someone loving me. I know its odd but no matter how little we speak I know that not only do I love her with all my heart but she is learning love from me and loves me! she was born with love to share and I am the lucky person who gets to be the mother she loves.

I will be the person who watches her grow, who holds her when shes sad, who she misses when shes been gone, who teaches her how to react, the person who sits through each up, down, and all around anything. I know we will have hard times and share tears together and separately. I know one day I wont be her world, but thats not now, right now she is just my baby, my greatest accomplishment and my greatest joy. I could just stop life here and feel fulfilled. My life is so good and so amazing all because she is in it.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

In the Plaintiff seat again: court date # 2

York County District court here we come yet again!!

So K and I have gone to the court house (peacefully) a few times now, mostly to fill out papers, but twice we have gone for actual court dates. This court date was our second, we went in for Mediation! Our court date this time was actually moved from February 13 to March 4 because we wanted to make sure both of us went to the kids first meeting and mine had been canceled because of the blizzard that recently passed through!

That Monday court date has come and gone now and I must say I am so pumped. I arrived early as usual and the mediator came out and got me to make sure I was comfortable speaking openly in a room with K, we both told her separately we were fine together and the meeting commenced.

I asked our mediator, Anne, her thoughts on over nights at Os age. She of course had no good straight answer. We went through all the important things like schedule, which we set a default and went with the "by agreement" option for everything including holidays. Holidays will be split and out default schedule is four days one overnight, and will change to two overnights by July 1st.

I cannot tell a lie, the only help the mediator had to offer was an outline of what we should kind of have organized. I felt every answer she gave to the questions asked was 90 times longer than needed and left me with no more knowledge of the answer to my question than when I asked it the first time. She did however make a wonderful effort to answer our questions, and later she found us a judge to get our THIRD court date out of the way inside of this second one!! I was so happy and relieved and so was K. She had us wait in the waiting room. K and I used this time to chat about O and basically act as though we were regular everyday friends.

Then they called us in and it was time for our last, in this series, court date.

"All Rise" and it began.

The judge this time was a man, but we had nothing to argue about. He went through everything we had just discussed to make sure we agreed on it, which we did. His voice was so... relaxing, I found it so hard to concentrate, which also made me want to laugh, court an be so difficult sometimes.

After he went through everything... that was it, he listed off all of our agreement, he finished and we got our custody agreement, it was far too easy. I am done... done with court for this far to easy, agreeable session. I am so relieved and excited to be done with the stress brought on by the decision I made to drag this into court.

Its over, no more COURT!!!


well unless we have a snag on something in the future... Pray that doesnt happen!!

Thursday, February 28, 2013

treating myself

So at the beginning of the week it was my birthday and I had an awful day...I think I set myself up, buuut I took control and decided it was time to do a little something for me. I used to barter for waxing with a woman with two kids, I would watch her kids she would wax my legs ;-D, but lately I haven't been able to do that with no vehicle and a 6 month old. I searched online and found a way to make my own wax!! I found and a recipe for my own sugar wax, though I changed it up and microwaved it in 2 minute increments stirring every break.
I did, however, learn this was the color I needed it to be (or maybe heated up again, but no lighter), definitely let it cool  a little and prepare for a mess!!

 I finally after 3 and a half months of legs I cant bare to shave, have nicely waxed legs. Yes I admit I had  the nastiest legs, but now they are smooth and perfect and I feel so much better. I also made a huge mess in the bathroom, but it was an easy clean up, needing only water to remove it from the floor and the shirt I tore up to wax with. It is so much easier and cheaper, plus tomorrow I am taking my little Oli to the pool and having bare legs is a must. I am so excited to show off my legs!! I have always been a big fan of wax over everything else. I was ready Monday for the pool, nothing to worry about and no last minute prep. Just grab the pool bag and GO!!! I love it.

Monday, February 25, 2013

a stone among gems

Today I feel like a stone among gems. I dont mean a gem stone, I mean like a plain old gray stone thats only purpose is to be skipped across the ocean and left for another day. I have so much beauty around me and I am so over blessed, but I am not the beautiful gem I have been made to be. I am too busy being ungrateful and complaining about everything. I spent the whole night up last night with my baby who for no reason didnt want to sleep and this morning instead of being nice to anyone I started right in on complaining. I have been told that I am a burden on my family and today it hits me how amazing everyone around me is to me even with me constantly whining and pointing out their flaws. I have been surrounded by gems and instead of their shine rubbing off on me I am trying to dull their beauty. I always find an excuse for why I cant be grateful or ill say im thankful for this or that and then I go about continuing to complain like having been grateful for a millisecond was good enough to let the complaining go on. Today I just want to be a nice caring grateful person. Today I will!! :-D:-D... Right after I get this baby down for a much needed mommy baby nap time!!!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Today marks the last day of being 26! I turn 27 tomorrow and im a little sad to see 26 go. I have enjoyed this past year with its ups, downs and all its little life lessons. I was pregnant on my birthday last year and my relationship was so uncertain. Today i am a mother of an almost 6 month old in a co parenting relationship that is certain and will not change. My life is falling into place in odd ways i would have never anticipated last year. I am so excited to see what 27 holds for me and my little bundle of love. I have so much to see and learn and this year will be a great one!! Thanks 26 for a great year, im excited to see what 27 has :-D:-D:-D

Friday, February 22, 2013

Oh co-sleeping

BoOoOmM!! My world imploded and exploded all at once. Let me set up the scene for you quickly:

I spent 9 months super single, had minimal contact with my "partner" and had completely written him of till he came back into the picture somewhat suddenly and at that point I had maybe weekly contact with him. I was ecstatic to have this baby. I had no reason to think of anyone else, she was a child of only a mother. Except now her father wanted in and I couldn't be the reason she had no father and he is a good man so in he came. I have the baby, shes perfect. She stays with me EVERY day for 4 weeks and all the sudden my walls are shattered and glass is flying everywhere for me when he tells me he wants alone time. So began my life change.

As many of you may know, being a mother is far different than being a nanny. It never occured to me that it would be this different. My child seems so much different. I know she doesn't need me every second of every day, but when she cries I don't see a point in letting her cry. I can help her so I do. Everything I have ever known, everything I have ever practiced, and even everything I have "preached" to other parents went right out the window! I am that mom who needs my own advice, but wont take it! I am not a super hero pro mommy that gets everything right!

I spent all of my time holding and cuddling that dear baby, and when he changed that my co sleeping went from exhausted mother just trying to get some sleep, to completely addicted to the habit. Ya its not such a bad habit and someone named it co sleeping and said its great for babies, but I know its not necessarily that good for us. She still wakes up in the middle of the night. I think she would sleep longer in her crib. I think I move or make a noise and she wakes up. When she wakes up and sees me she thinks oh time to play or time to wake mommy, up so she doesn't fall back to sleep like she should.

I am not discrediting co sleeping. I think co sleeping is an amazing bond between child and parent. I don't want to give it up, but I think it is hindering my poor little baby's sleep pattern. I am going to test some new sleep ideas tonight and I will update as to how things go for us, but as of tonight I don't think we can continue our amazing nightly ritual of co sleeping. I am going to go pout for a while then pick her up at her dads and attempt the new sleep rituals :-(

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Kids first

Single parenting and Co-parenting can be so difficult, especially when both parents obviously want whats best for the child(ren) but don't always agree on what that is. K and I don't always agree on timing and the way we communicate is a little messed up, so we both took a class called Kids first. Now that I have taken the class I think its a good idea for others to take it. Before I took the class I was thinking it probably would be a total waste of time, but after sitting through the four hours of class in hard uncomfortable seats, I think they had some really worth it points and I'm glad I went.

K went before I went so he could watch O and encouraged me to make sure I went. It took us both about an hour to get to the class so it ended up being about a 6 hour process. 6 hours missing my O but worth it.

Every parent no matter how good or how smart needs a little encouragement and a retraining at times. Its our human nature to parent our children, but that doesn't always mean we are right and its good to have another perspective.

In the kids first class we learned about what ages go through what when each child is put into this situation, the situation of learning to cope with moving back and forth and two single parents. I must say during this portion of the class I felt so badly for little O having to live her ENTIRE life in two homes. She has never known two loving parents under the same roof and it tears my heart open sometimes.

A lot of the things parents are to watch for are good changes because children try to put their parents back together by behaving well. I hope for Os sake that she never does this. I would hate for her to think it had anything to do with her that we are not together.

The main point of the class is to get over YOURSELF and MAKE things work with your parenting partner for the sake of the amazing child you made. Not to get back together or forever love each other, just get along and put on a good face for your child. K and I have been trying this but I think I lost track of what I was trying to do and this class sort of bumped me back on track. You need to keep an open mind to the other persons ideas and encourage them. If they fail or don't do whats right you have to keep on going and doing what is right, its not about your parenting partner or your feelings its about your child. I find this hard sometimes, why cant I lay down and have an all out tantrum? I mean i am only human, but what help is that to O? What does that teach her? Nothing good that's for sure! She needs her daddy and I need to show her how to treat others and how to act right in any situation. He deserves respect even when he is not respecting me and I do too! We all make mistakes, but we have to do our best to get up and keep moving, not stay angry over nothing.

Its extremely important to look at each situation through your child's eyes. If you fight what does your child see? If you are rude what does your child see? Your child learns from you in every situation even when they are young or out of the room so you have to practice being polite at all times to your partner  so you don't get caught being rude by your little but very important people.

They have to adapt to each situation and every move you make so remember that when make decisions for yourself. They always effect your child and your child should be given the time and tools to make it through each new thing you chose.

I am learning to not only think of O in the big decisions but in the every day little situations. In my everyday conversations. She is starting from scratch and even if K and I aren't on the same page, what I do and how I react makes a huge difference, so here goes nothing! ;-D

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Artichoke dip

So I had a random craving while I was pregnant for Artichoke. I have never eaten artichoke in my life so this was a new one. I just went and bought a whole artichoke and had no idea what to do with it. after finding a recipe and figuring out how to eat it I decided to look a little further and found a DELICIOUS spinach artichoke dip.

The recipe calls for:

2 cans artichoke hearts

8 oz cream cheese

large handful of spinach

large spoonful of mayo

Large spoonful of sour cream

Chilli powder to taste

cheese of choice sprinkled on top ( I think they recommended mozzarella but I used Parmesan)

So easy all you do is heat the cream cheese up in the microwave for about a minute till its a little softer than room temperature, diced up the spinach and artichokes, toss it all together sprinkle in some chili powder top it with a little cheese broil till the cheese is lightly browned EAT!!! I love it!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

crafty crafty crafty

Oh look its valentines day... And I didn't do anything with my baby yet.

Around 10 am I got a beautiful text from a friend of her amazing idea for valentines day

with the kids she watches. She spelled LOVE using two sisters, the oldest one did the O with her hand print and with the baby, who is just about my daughter age, she used both feet to make the V. Isn't it adorable. I wanted one. I just had to make one. I had no paint of any kind so I went, found a recipe and made myself finger paint. Ya Im pretty proud of myself for making it... I took 3 table spoons sugar, 2 cups water, 1/2 cup corn starch, and 1/2 tablespoon salt and heated it all up till it was thick... Added some dye and here it was, my own paint. So I took all Os clothes off and dipped her foot in the paint and before I could do anything somehow I had painted everything... I had paint on me, she had it everywhere, the walls had it the floor... Uh into the shower we went and when we came out... No card... I'm serious after the whole process we had a mess and no card. I gave up. I cant even believe it. I still have no cute little hand foot painting, I do have some cute little my first valentines day pictures and a lot of hugs and kisses from her. I guess its not so bad that I totally messed up our little valentines day cards. I had plans to make all kinds of cards too... oh well next year maybe ;-D

Hope you all had a wonderful valentines day

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

my two of the day

Im thankful for the ability to learn. I keep finding little tid bits of information on blogging and it totally excites me. This option really is looking good and I cant wait to see where I am in a year. I have learned so much and its not hard learning its perfectly comprehendable to me!!

I am grateful for, today I am a little stuck so i will go with something from the past. Today i am grateful for honesty. Okay so thats sort of the opposite of how i feel sometimes, today included, but i know i am honest and i feel there is no reason for him to be dishonest so i am trusting him anyway. I am grateful that we have been pretty honest with each other and that things are still a smooth little ride

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

God tried to protect me and I thought I knew better

Every morning I would read my devotions and every night the same. I was searching for more God and yet at the same time I was searching for a man I wanted on my time. I concentrated on God thinking God understands my desire and will fulfill it. I know how ridiculous this is, but I thought it. I would pray God whatever your will is, but I still thought God will fulfill my desire for what I WANT!

I realize now I have been doing a lot of looking for what I want. I have not been doing any relaxing or letting. I pray "God your will" but then I run and try to do my own. I need to relax and know he is God! I don't even know what is best for me. I took the plan B pill in December 2011 and today have a baby who was unaffected by that decision. She was unaffected because she was a part of his plan. She was a far better idea than I ever could have had so that alone is proof that letting God steer and be in control is the way to go.

Its time to stop looking, its time for me to NOT date. As much as I want to make it obvious to the world that I have moved on, that's not what is important, whats important is that I have! I don't need to be with a man, I need to be content with me, I need to be content as Gods child. I need to read more of the bible and know more of God than me.

How would I date anyway? I have three times where I don't get to be with my favorite little person and during that time I am trying to master this whole blogging thing or I am cleaning up the messes I left knowing I would have enough time to clean it later! I barely have time to connect with any men and honestly by the time I get about two emails in with any of them I am bored of them any way! I have to be honest, as much as I want to go out on a date and feel like a WOMAN, I would much rather stay in my yoga pants and lounge around with my tiny being. I mean I think that's why things are the way they are. God gave us marriage to protect us. So that on the days I want to go on a date in yoga pants I could have done so with someone who loved me, even if he wasn't too happy about my outfit, it wouldn't be as awkward as it would be to go on a first date in yoga pants with a man who doesn't love my baby as much as K and I do.

I worry about when I do find this man as well. I hate the idea of O having to meet anyone extra. Why should she have to navigate a life with two extra parents who she may love differently than each other. Her life will have more hurdles than it should and I find there are moments I feel guilty about that. I know God will be there for her and protect her, but I find myself worrying anyway.
 I don't want her to feel different than my other children when I have them. I want her to know she is my love and I cherish her. I want to show her more love than I was shown and that I would do anything for her. I love her more than words can say and dating scares me because I am afraid it could scar her. I want only the best for my baby, but I have already done enough to prove the opposite. All I can do now is pray God will watch out for her and help K and I build the best dula life possible around her!

oh thank you thank you thank you

Today was a nice day. I enjoyed playing with my sweet baby and she finally pooped, which was nice since I know its been bothering her the past two days. I am so thankful for her sweet baby face and smile, but the little simple day to day thing I am thankful for is naked time. She is so happy when any portion of clothing is taken off. If I take off the top part of her outfit and leave her in a onesie she is ecstatic. It amazes me how fast her mood changes if she can just bounce around in her little diaper! She was just laying there between outfits today when my large lab retriever came in and she went crazy. Talk about a happy girl, mixing naked time with a little puppy love she was beyond happy. He is a little hesitant around her and left shortly after making her day, but for the short time he was there it was hysterical to watch. So I am thankful for that moment brought to you by naked time ;-D!!

My single momma moment of gratefulness would have to be Ks willingness. He is always pretty easy to convince in most things. He is also becoming easier and easier to read so in moments I cant push him I know before I force him to snap. Today we had yet another easy conversation about a little date switching and no matter where it went we navigated it pretty easily and he was pretty open to what I was saying and asking for and I to what he was asking for. Its so nice when things are working because there is no easy way to share a child, especially if you are suspicious of the other person all the time!

Thank you God for being so gracious and letting this be my future.

Monday, February 11, 2013

adding a little cheese to the mix (mini recipe)

I love love looovvee a good home made baked chocolate treat. I recently have been using cream cheese in things since i loved it while pregnant. My mother make cream cheese brownies and I have fallen in love with them. Since I was a little girl she always made them with boxed brownie mix, which is really good, but makes me feel like a cheater. I recently took the brownie recipe I use and added her cream cheese topping to it to make some seriously delicious cream cheese brownies.
To add a little cheese to the mix all you have to do is take 8 oz of cream cheese softened (basically one package)
about 2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 egg
and beat them together, I usually add the powdered sugar as I'm beating. You don't want it to be too dry. Ill add a picture soon and repost.
Once your brownie is made and in its pan pour the cream cheese mix on top and run a fork through it so you get little brown lines in the cream cheese and the cream cheese covers the whole brownie. cook like normal and you should have a delightful addition to a usual dessert.

Made these tonight with half the recipe:

I ran the fork all the way through the brownie to get the cream cheese to  the bottom, this also makes the brownie cook a little differently and you may want to add a little extra time and expect gooey instead of cake like.
 I also only made it on half the brownie because I like to keep some plain to put at the bottom of my ice cream ;-D

grateful for...

Today i am grateful for aapppplleeess!!! My little cuddle buggy is teething and such a grump today so since I've started her in solid i gave her(held while she nawed on) a slice of my apple. She loved teething on it and sucking the juices out. It made her super happy and thats all i am concerned about lately.

I am over the hills thankful for K today as every time i am supposes to do something court related he goes and does it for me. I am definitely blessed to have gotten stuck with him for 18years. today he went and got the paper work for a motion to put off our mediation. We had a blizzard this past weekend and my class for kids first was moved to this up and coming weekend but  the whole point of it is for mediation so him getting the paper work really helps me out.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Today as Valentines approaches... which I have renamed. I am thankful for love. I dont have oooo la la love but I have every other kind and I am so happy for that. My heart is bursting with joy when I look at my baby and even when Im angry with the people who love O I am grateful for their love! I hope everyone has a little love today and every day!

I love poop pictures, or just any kind of knowledge that O has pooped. currently she is a little behind on her pooping and it makes me happy to know K will always keep me updated on her poops!!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

brain google+'d

I love the idea of blogging. I want to blog and be good at it and enjoy other people's blog and be a part of a blog community... But I am so lost! I have a lot of learning to do! First I need to figure out how to fond new people. On my phone I can barely figure out any of it minus the simple blogging and people I already found.

What about hashtags? And what are these labels... I've started experimenting but still a little lost! I am so excited to have it all figured out,  but I have so little time. I love enjoying my baby and to take time from her to study google seems ridiculous! I think as I learn ill blog about it wo my readers can learn too or the knowledgeable ones can help. Also you can watch my growth and know this is where I started out ;-) brain googled!

the blizzard isnt giving up, neither is my thankful heart

I am so grateful today for water, silly? No way! I drink it all day long trying to avoid juice, as I am a chocoholic, i have only made it to step one: admitting I have a problem ;-). I use it to wash dishes, to flush things :-/, in cooking, and even to clean myself. Today I went to take my shower and Os little tubby was still there from the night before. When i went to take it out she went crazy in her bouncy seat, she loves her tubby! I started the shower and proceeded to get ready to shower, as I went to disappear behind the curtain without O she screamed and flailed all of her limbs as if to protest my shower. I know exactly what shes saying... Take me!! So I decided to put her tubby back in and take her with me. She was elated. She kicked in her tubby and laughed and when i held her she reached for the water. She loves water too. I can safely safe O is grateful for water!!

In my sItUaTiOn(im using a voice to mock myself ;-) thats what the letterings about), I am abundantly grateful for protection. So far K and I have been kept safe and kept O safe in all of our different adventures. Today as snow dumps from the sky he,K, is out driving his plow truck to and from different places trying to keep up with the large amount of snow we are getting. I am grateful that we are safe and each of us is protected by our amazing God, whom O and I prayed to together holding hands last night, she laughed so much at me trying to pray with her! There is nothing cuter than having your own baby!! <3<3<3

I hope everyone else is safe today and enjoying the warmth of their homes and families. I pray for those with no homes that they are safe today!

Friday, February 8, 2013

day four in a blizzzzzzzarrrdd;-);-) yikes

Its snowing and windy outside so I have A LOT to be grateful for. I have a home, warmth, food, family, all kinds of great things!! The one simple thing im grateful for is chocolate chips :-D:-D. Oh yes, they are so small and so basic, but they make things so much better. I had a delicious day thanks to my semi sweet bag of chocolate chips! Thank you nestle!!

The big thing, in my baby situation, to be grateful for  is that telepathy is not real! I say that with a seriously straight face right now! Man if people could read my mind... If K could read my mind... Im sure I'd be in big trouble, especially today. I had a lapse in thought control today and slipped down a the thoughtless slope towards the silly idea of K and I happy TOGETHER ((SCARY MOVIE SOUND EFFECTS HERE)). Our relationship is perfectly where it should be and as you may have read I am grateful to K for keeping it there. As a crazy (not literally...) chocolate loving woman I tend to get a little carried away and today I needed to take a step back and use self control and I am thankful K didnt see what I thought :-/:-/ and you better not tell him what you read ;-);-)

Three days and I love my life!

I do live a good life.

Today I am so thankful for peace. I had a wonderfully peaceful day with my little O. We walked our wonderful golden retriever ( yes he is a mix!) Nemo, even though it was a little too chilly, listened to kids tunes and just enjoyed being the only two home for the first time in a while. I know a lot of moms might find it nice to have the opposite, a little extra help, but sometimes I just want to be with my baby alone and today was that day! I am so grateful for such a great baby!!

I am grateful for smiling in my relationship with Os father. Today there was smiling and after a perfectly quick drop off I thouhght back to how it wasnt uncomfortable or awkward it was happy and easy. I love eay drop offs.

I just got a call and I need to be easier to talk to. I can be so harsh with my responses and I just want everyone to get through this with ease but its me that makes it hard. I feel so guilty with my inabilty to hold my tongue and say things that seem to make it difficult.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

A simple feather falls from the sky

In advance, sorry about the color I tried it out and liked it at first and since I did it Im leaving it, but its not good ha ha ;-/
Today as I drove my baby girl to her fathers house I stopped at a stop sign and as many cars were driving by I noticed something floating directly towards my window. It seemed almost alive and as I concentrated solely on figuring out what it was I saw it was a beautiful, though somewhat ruffled, feather. It made me smile. It was floating right towards me as a sign. Today, while playing with my little girl, we had listened to a song singing "the most beautiful feather" and it was as though God was saying to me I am this beautiful feather. Now I don't know if you know how it feels to have had a baby, but after I felt less than my former super fit self. I struggled in the beginning with my self image not because I was fat or unbelievably ugly, more because I wanted to put less time into myself and more towards my daughter yet I slept far less, leaving large bags (yes multiple) under my eyes. My skin is not the beautiful tan from sunning all summer since I avoided the suns harmful dehydrating rays my entire pregnancy and I am, as you may have read, single. I wanted so badly to just go on one simple date with my baby's father, but not only would that have been detrimental to our current ability to enjoy each others company as friends, it would not have given me what I was looking for. He had refused and I have moved on, I do still desire to date, fulfilling that feeling of being desired, but now I know I am desirable and God was once again showing me he created me, not only beautifully, but to withstand this and anything else that should come my way. The feather had been ruffled and when I had looked up I noticed there were many birds in the area sort of fighting each other and flying in front of traffic. I don't know why else they might have been doing this, but I know what I got out of it. I am beautiful and though on this journey I will be ruffled by many situations, like the one I am currently in, I will still float out of them just as beautiful because he is with me, or as the air carried this feather, he is carrying me! I think it is amazing how something so small and simple can bring so much meaning to someones life as it did in mine. Thank you God

diapers, diapers, or diapers?

I have worked with kids for a long time and through this I had found what I thought were the best diapers. So far I have used those diapers on my now 5 month old daughter. I recently was wandering around and started looking at diapers as a mom with mom experience, which I am now finding does have some little differences. My daughter is nursing and just started on solid foods so her "business" is not jumbo sized elephant poop or anything, mostly loose or one little clay like nugget (need more?? ;-D). I literally have told people I would never use cloth diapers, but as I go through this journey that is my life I am noticing how different I am from my past self. I am not a total organic everything health nut, I have been known to say G.M.O. is defined as Genetically modified organics, which it is not and even now I will never buy those organic disposable diapers! Lately, though, I have begun sliding down that scale getting closer to full blown health nut, why you ask? Some of it is fun. Its fun to make my own baby food, its not unbearable to breast feed (as long as this biting down, twisting and pulling stays minimal!), and having a new life just makes you want to keep it as clean and as pure as it started out. So having said all of that I found what I think it the cutest cloth diaper and I sent the link to K. I am actually hoping that even if they are awful that we take the opportunity to try them not only for the fun colors and designs, but they also make swimmies and I know for a FACT that disposable swimmies are useless!

This could be a very bad idea... a very very bad idea, but if K decides to go along with it, which I pray he does since I currently make little money and need him to buy all the diapers... I must say I am super grateful for him, he may push my buttons and make me want to explode sometimes but when all is said and done hes probably one of the best "baby daddy"s out there!  So keep you're fingers crossed for me, say some prayers and Ill keep you posted on our diapering decisions.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

day two and im still thankful

today is a test of my true ability to be grateful in my situation... I'll tell you about that in a second.
First I am grateful for YouTube. Its simple but you can learn so much. I have learned a little about mom blogging and I am so grateful for... Im not sure if I should start tagging people yet

I am grateful for forgiveness in my situation. Not only that I can be forgiven for my short comings by K but that I can simply and easily forgive him and move on from the stupid arguments we have. Today he text asking to bring O being  to me at 7 and I responded but he didn't receive my response so he called. He told me if I hadn't answered and he hadn't called he was going to take our 5 month old baby girl in his truck to put a plow on his truck. I for obvious reasons didnt like this and we got into the stupidest argument. I think in our situation it takes complying to stupid things to make it work he thinks he can do what he wants no matter what because she came from his sperm. I dont know if you can read the irritation in my blog but I have obviously strayed. I forgive him for reacting so harshly to my concern and when he finally arrived with Oli e we had a civil drop off again...sometimes you cant hold on to it or it will hurt everyone more than its helping anyone. I am glad things left off the way they did. I am so thankful its still working.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

making life better one move at a time

I feel I am always complaining. I walk away from a conversation and I think wow I talked a lot and I feel so negative about it. So right now I am committing to being thankful for one thing via blog daily. I am so thankful for so many things but now I will make them for front of my mind by picking one to tell you all about daily. I am so thankful today for something very simple, air freshners. I am sitting in the locker room in planet fitness and it smells so bad that it reminds me I dont have to ever smell this smell if I dont want to because someone disliked it and did something about it. something am thankful for so many things but im starting off with this simple one because today im feeling so grateful for life in general something simple and silly seems right.
I actually would like to theme these a little more towards my current situation as well so i guess i will do two things a day. One general simple thing and one about being a single parent.
Today I am grateful for the way K and I normally interact. There is never a drop off where we aren't civil to each other. Today O was happy he smiled i smiled drop offs like that are the only reason i can get through an overnight without her. I am so grateful for our interactions today!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

whats on my mind

Before I end my night tonight I am just thinking about this time last year. I had no idea what was growing inside me, i currently have a beautiful beginning to crawl 5 month old baby girl, but 12 months ago i was still unaware that i was pregnant. I had botched two tests and thought i was 100% not pregnant, i cant believe its already been a year and i already have a perfect little baby. I am so blessed!

February 2 2013 bible reading

The reading is on John 17:9 and i never u derstand the words right away... Its a prayer Jesus prayed for those in the world who chose to follow him. The devotion speaks of how we should go around blessing and praying for people to be blessed.

I cant concentrate on my devotions lately. I know what I need to change with them and they are helpful but my mind wanders so often.
Im going to be a little open and even though I wont divulge too many details if you read what I write you will get what im talking about.
I have been thinking a lot about this one certain situation in my life and I don't know what God wants me to do. I feel so good about the idea to move ahead with my life and find new things to take the place of the old but at the same time I wonder if the old is just getting ready to become the new (sort of exciting ;-)). I wonder if im not suppose to run ahead and find anything new. I know God probably doesn't think I should be looking for anything anyway and I should probably just let God take me where he wants me, follow the winds of his desires for me. I cant help but wonder what's next and want to search for it myself... I know unhealthy. God created me with purpose and a future that holds many wonderful things im just ready for a certain one. I can wait... I can wait forever. Im perfectly content where I am, my mind must starts to wonder and then I get so curious (I know what curiousity does dont worry) that i want to test the waters and look for something new. I wish i could just be quiet enough to hear God speak to me. I am going to be praying for Gods will... Pray that I hear him on this one soon please ;-) thanks

Thursday, January 31, 2013

All rise, court is now in session

We filed our papers and started the process. It was time to legal decide who gets O when. I hate the thought. She is a child and it feels so wrong to have to go through any of this, but id rather go through this then leave O without a father.

January 14 2013 2:00 pm room 3
O and I arrived at 1:30 because I wanted to make sure we made it there on time and we left ourselves enough time for whatever might come up (diaper, feeding you know whatever). We walked in and no one was at the metal detector nor was it on so we proceeded into the building and ask the lady at the window whether it was court room or conference room three and she informed me we wait in the waiting room and they would call our case. O and I went and paced the waiting room, where a man was sitting by himself and a couple was sitting together, they commented on how cute O is... Happens everywhere because she is the cutest little baby ever!! We didn't sit because I didn't want O to get upset and she still needed a nap. after a few moments a gentle man walked in and I looked at him wondering if he was the man from the state, and he was, he said are you Eva?
We went to a room down the hall where he told me about child support and tanf (temporary support for needy families). He asked a few questions about what K had provided and I told him "most things, diapers and wipes."

He asked where O was conceived and I answered Portsmouth, but then I second guessed myself... Yes conceived means sex but I got worried, that's a different state. So I did it, I asked and he gave a little laugh and responded "its a nice way of saying where did you two have sex." ha ha ha ha ... Yup im smart!

He asked if K was there as I left the room and I told him when he arrived I'd send him in.
It took long enough that we both ended up in the waiting room chatting when K showed up about 15 minutes before everything started. He was all dressed up and I must say this was the first time I wasn't attracted to his look. He barely smiled at me as he walked past and went with the man from the state. When they came out, after what seemed like forever, I was called back again. He let me know K had agreed to an amount and then showed me what it was and how much K made a year. After some conversation about it we went out into the waiting room again.

We only waited a short time for them to call us. The bailiff came saying "Bbb(Ks last name) ..." but we were ready so he didn't have to say much more. We followed him into court room 3 and he showed us where to sit. We took our places and I began to rock O in my seat... I didn't want her fussing in court. I felt so awkward sitting there with my baby having this serious moment with a man I was barely ever serious with.

The bailiff did his all rise thing and judge came in. Then he did his be seated thing. Court was in session... Okay here it goes... I took a breath. She looked over and saw my beautiful baby and of course we had to discuss how amazing she was and her gorgeous name ;-D... okay not so scary I guess.
The judge then told us there were four things we needed to answer
1. Who would make the primary medical decisions- we agreed to do that together
2. Child support- the man from the state had  that
3. Where would Os primary residence be- my house we agreed
Then came number four... Of course there is a number four that I trip in and smash my face off of
4. Schedule (not courts words but I forgot what she said it was a little stressful ;-))- we looked at each other and both gave a little smile (finally seemed a little more normal since we rarely are serious if we aren't yelling at each other). We weren't sure if we agreed yet so I said well we have been doing Sunday 9 hrs and Tuesday we just started an overnight and she looked over with a surprised look and asked oh and how is that going to K and he replied good... Which he would have said that either way. All seemed good and she then asked " is that good then?"

Of course it cant be that easy! K looked at the judge and said well I would like a little more. I froze a little I wanted to disappear. I wasn't sure how serous things would get and I was scared it was serious suit style court time.
 "okay," she looked at him "and what would you like?"
"um maybe another overnight, or some time on Thursdays?"

Well Thursdays I could do I guess but I didn't want to! I could do some time on Thursdays but not the overnight. I felt like I was about to get in trouble, but everyone agreed and the hours were set... Ouch how did I just let go of more time after we are just beginning Tuesdays?

Then she said I think that is it.

Again not that easy... how did I get stuck with this guy ;-P

K pulled out a lined paper I had given to him which had things on it that I was, and am, not willing to give him such as two overnights with our now 5 month old... ridiculous I know I was aiming for end of the year with that paper but I had written it.

"She was telling me that her friends had some other things in their agreement like..." he began to unfold the paper but I started talking first. I was nervous and I wanted to run ahead of him and pick the topics first, "vacations and grandparents rights?"

"Oh so are you guys saying you want more detail?"
We looked at each other again and he turned and said "ya I think we would"
So now we go to mediation... cant wait... super more court! We waited about 45 maybe more minutes for them to call us over with the new paperwork and we also were notified we would be attending kids first before our mediation date. I go on the 9th and he on the 2nd, I am not looking forward to spending 4 hours away from my adorable little ball of fun, but hopefully this will help me communicate better and maybe we will fight less often. so until February 13th enjoy my court blog

Isnt it funny

So I cant help but say something about this, I think if I ever get any readers they would find this interesting!
I grew up with little. I mean my parents found ways to stretch their money so we had pretty good holidays, but we lived in a two bedroom apartment with 5 people. As a child I remember enjoying our trips to the food pantry because I felt like such an adult picking my food. How I grew up is not the main point of this story though, the main point is my mother.

My mother has always done with little and never really complained. She makes things work and makes it seem normal. She dresses nice, we eat well and the house is decorated nicely. She is right now the head of a non-profit that helps people who are needy. She started this non profit out of our home and since I can remember has been helping those less fortunate. She has no fear and has picked up countless people off the street and given food or clothing to people who needed it.

We have been over and abundantly blessed and there is nothing to complain about. I love my mother and I love watching her bless others, but I wonder sometimes how it works. You see right now my father is out of work completely and it has been that way for some time because he was first sick then diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. he went through the chemo and is completely healed of that cancer, but is still working at getting back into work. I have also been out of work since August and cant seem to find anything that will suite my child and I, so that leaves my mother to make the money for our family, and my brothers help her where needed, but none of this puts us out of the hole, we are just like those she helps. We have not gone a day without anything major, but many bills have began piling up and we have needed help from outside sources, sources she has helped others find many times. She helps so many and has come SO far from where she has been, but I want so badly for something unbelievably amazing to happen.

God works through my mother so often and her business is nothing short of a miracle. She has a food pantry and a thrift boutique that are both not her ultimate goal and only the beginning of her journey. She has the ultimate goal of raising somewhere around $250,000 of which $50,000 has already been donated. She wants to buy a building for her transitional shelter to help people who are homeless not only have a home but have the ability to make a life for themselves. Her shelter will teach life skills and provide people with a way to not only get on their feet but use them for the rest of their lives. She has continuously been blessed with more and more people to help her reach this goal and though she hasn't yet she will soon. My mom is selfless and so many times she is helping people through her own times of need.

So I hope from this little blurb you caught that not only is my mother helping the needy but she doesn't have it all to give, so if you sit there saying "I wish I could do something to help somewhere" you don't need anything... you just need to move. There are so many places you can help whether it be financially, just with words of wisdom, or by volunteering your time, she has done so much and you can too. If you are wondering about this story's truth I can assure you it is all as real as her thrift boutique in Somersworth NH, that I may one day tag in this story. I hope you find a way to do something.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Morning devotion 1/30/2013

This is actually morning and night, morning first!
So today's scripture was Romans 4: 18-21 about Abraham knowing his body was as good as dead but believing Gods word for his life that he would have a son.

I have faith in God, but my doubts often creep in and I find I'm not always this committed to it. I have a hard time feeling like im hearing God in the first place, so believing anything he might say for me seems so hard. I know my God is a wonderful and generous God and he has great plans for my life but im stuck here in this awkward place because of my own fear and inability to truly hear his voice over all the craziness in my head. I need to stop, I need to read more scripture and I need to believe what God says he has for me. What dies he have for me? I dont know! I want to hear from God today and then I want to believe what he tells me.
Abraham waited 25 years. Thats confidence in what he heard right there. I want to believe like that. I am committed myself to listen today and to believe. God will speak to me and I will begin to walk in what his will is for my life.

I actually think if I remember right that this just led me to what my devotions were on last night... Oh no thats just part of the Abraham devotion. Where God tells us then we doubt and walk in our own way thinking we know better. If i have learned anything from having my beautiful daughter it is that i do not know better and Gods will for my life is perfect!

last nights devotion Luke 22:42
I was right its its about believing Gods will is best and not our own will. How often do I think I know best and then I stumble and fall. Gods will for my life is such a good fit for my life, but I always try to go off and do something else. If I could just stop and concentrate on what God is doing and relax in Gods timing I could have a more enjoyable life with no worry or fear, but I often regress back to tue place where I am "in control" and find I feel anxious or afraid. Thank God I can still call on him when I am half way down my own path away from his will. Thank God he is such a forgiving God.

I chose today to think on and act on Gods will for my life and keep believing what he has for me, not what I have for me.