All rise, court is now in session

We filed our papers and started the process. It was time to legal decide who gets O when. I hate the thought. She is a child and it feels so wrong to have to go through any of this, but id rather go through this then leave O without a father.

January 14 2013 2:00 pm room 3
O and I arrived at 1:30 because I wanted to make sure we made it there on time and we left ourselves enough time for whatever might come up (diaper, feeding you know whatever). We walked in and no one was at the metal detector nor was it on so we proceeded into the building and ask the lady at the window whether it was court room or conference room three and she informed me we wait in the waiting room and they would call our case. O and I went and paced the waiting room, where a man was sitting by himself and a couple was sitting together, they commented on how cute O is... Happens everywhere because she is the cutest little baby ever!! We didn't sit because I didn't want O to get upset and she still needed a nap. after a few moments a gentle man walked in and I looked at him wondering if he was the man from the state, and he was, he said are you Eva?
We went to a room down the hall where he told me about child support and tanf (temporary support for needy families). He asked a few questions about what K had provided and I told him "most things, diapers and wipes."

He asked where O was conceived and I answered Portsmouth, but then I second guessed myself... Yes conceived means sex but I got worried, that's a different state. So I did it, I asked and he gave a little laugh and responded "its a nice way of saying where did you two have sex." ha ha ha ha ... Yup im smart!

He asked if K was there as I left the room and I told him when he arrived I'd send him in.
It took long enough that we both ended up in the waiting room chatting when K showed up about 15 minutes before everything started. He was all dressed up and I must say this was the first time I wasn't attracted to his look. He barely smiled at me as he walked past and went with the man from the state. When they came out, after what seemed like forever, I was called back again. He let me know K had agreed to an amount and then showed me what it was and how much K made a year. After some conversation about it we went out into the waiting room again.

We only waited a short time for them to call us. The bailiff came saying "Bbb(Ks last name) ..." but we were ready so he didn't have to say much more. We followed him into court room 3 and he showed us where to sit. We took our places and I began to rock O in my seat... I didn't want her fussing in court. I felt so awkward sitting there with my baby having this serious moment with a man I was barely ever serious with.

The bailiff did his all rise thing and judge came in. Then he did his be seated thing. Court was in session... Okay here it goes... I took a breath. She looked over and saw my beautiful baby and of course we had to discuss how amazing she was and her gorgeous name ;-D... okay not so scary I guess.
The judge then told us there were four things we needed to answer
1. Who would make the primary medical decisions- we agreed to do that together
2. Child support- the man from the state had  that
3. Where would Os primary residence be- my house we agreed
Then came number four... Of course there is a number four that I trip in and smash my face off of
4. Schedule (not courts words but I forgot what she said it was a little stressful ;-))- we looked at each other and both gave a little smile (finally seemed a little more normal since we rarely are serious if we aren't yelling at each other). We weren't sure if we agreed yet so I said well we have been doing Sunday 9 hrs and Tuesday we just started an overnight and she looked over with a surprised look and asked oh and how is that going to K and he replied good... Which he would have said that either way. All seemed good and she then asked " is that good then?"

Of course it cant be that easy! K looked at the judge and said well I would like a little more. I froze a little I wanted to disappear. I wasn't sure how serous things would get and I was scared it was serious suit style court time.
 "okay," she looked at him "and what would you like?"
"um maybe another overnight, or some time on Thursdays?"

Well Thursdays I could do I guess but I didn't want to! I could do some time on Thursdays but not the overnight. I felt like I was about to get in trouble, but everyone agreed and the hours were set... Ouch how did I just let go of more time after we are just beginning Tuesdays?

Then she said I think that is it.

Again not that easy... how did I get stuck with this guy ;-P

K pulled out a lined paper I had given to him which had things on it that I was, and am, not willing to give him such as two overnights with our now 5 month old... ridiculous I know I was aiming for end of the year with that paper but I had written it.

"She was telling me that her friends had some other things in their agreement like..." he began to unfold the paper but I started talking first. I was nervous and I wanted to run ahead of him and pick the topics first, "vacations and grandparents rights?"

"Oh so are you guys saying you want more detail?"
We looked at each other again and he turned and said "ya I think we would"
So now we go to mediation... cant wait... super more court! We waited about 45 maybe more minutes for them to call us over with the new paperwork and we also were notified we would be attending kids first before our mediation date. I go on the 9th and he on the 2nd, I am not looking forward to spending 4 hours away from my adorable little ball of fun, but hopefully this will help me communicate better and maybe we will fight less often. so until February 13th enjoy my court blog

Isnt it funny

So I cant help but say something about this, I think if I ever get any readers they would find this interesting!
I grew up with little. I mean my parents found ways to stretch their money so we had pretty good holidays, but we lived in a two bedroom apartment with 5 people. As a child I remember enjoying our trips to the food pantry because I felt like such an adult picking my food. How I grew up is not the main point of this story though, the main point is my mother.

My mother has always done with little and never really complained. She makes things work and makes it seem normal. She dresses nice, we eat well and the house is decorated nicely. She is right now the head of a non-profit that helps people who are needy. She started this non profit out of our home and since I can remember has been helping those less fortunate. She has no fear and has picked up countless people off the street and given food or clothing to people who needed it.

We have been over and abundantly blessed and there is nothing to complain about. I love my mother and I love watching her bless others, but I wonder sometimes how it works. You see right now my father is out of work completely and it has been that way for some time because he was first sick then diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. he went through the chemo and is completely healed of that cancer, but is still working at getting back into work. I have also been out of work since August and cant seem to find anything that will suite my child and I, so that leaves my mother to make the money for our family, and my brothers help her where needed, but none of this puts us out of the hole, we are just like those she helps. We have not gone a day without anything major, but many bills have began piling up and we have needed help from outside sources, sources she has helped others find many times. She helps so many and has come SO far from where she has been, but I want so badly for something unbelievably amazing to happen.

God works through my mother so often and her business is nothing short of a miracle. She has a food pantry and a thrift boutique that are both not her ultimate goal and only the beginning of her journey. She has the ultimate goal of raising somewhere around $250,000 of which $50,000 has already been donated. She wants to buy a building for her transitional shelter to help people who are homeless not only have a home but have the ability to make a life for themselves. Her shelter will teach life skills and provide people with a way to not only get on their feet but use them for the rest of their lives. She has continuously been blessed with more and more people to help her reach this goal and though she hasn't yet she will soon. My mom is selfless and so many times she is helping people through her own times of need.

So I hope from this little blurb you caught that not only is my mother helping the needy but she doesn't have it all to give, so if you sit there saying "I wish I could do something to help somewhere" you don't need anything... you just need to move. There are so many places you can help whether it be financially, just with words of wisdom, or by volunteering your time, she has done so much and you can too. If you are wondering about this story's truth I can assure you it is all as real as her thrift boutique in Somersworth NH, that I may one day tag in this story. I hope you find a way to do something.

Morning devotion 1/30/2013

This is actually morning and night, morning first!
So today's scripture was Romans 4: 18-21 about Abraham knowing his body was as good as dead but believing Gods word for his life that he would have a son.

I have faith in God, but my doubts often creep in and I find I'm not always this committed to it. I have a hard time feeling like im hearing God in the first place, so believing anything he might say for me seems so hard. I know my God is a wonderful and generous God and he has great plans for my life but im stuck here in this awkward place because of my own fear and inability to truly hear his voice over all the craziness in my head. I need to stop, I need to read more scripture and I need to believe what God says he has for me. What dies he have for me? I dont know! I want to hear from God today and then I want to believe what he tells me.
Abraham waited 25 years. Thats confidence in what he heard right there. I want to believe like that. I am committed myself to listen today and to believe. God will speak to me and I will begin to walk in what his will is for my life.

I actually think if I remember right that this just led me to what my devotions were on last night... Oh no thats just part of the Abraham devotion. Where God tells us then we doubt and walk in our own way thinking we know better. If i have learned anything from having my beautiful daughter it is that i do not know better and Gods will for my life is perfect!

last nights devotion Luke 22:42
I was right its its about believing Gods will is best and not our own will. How often do I think I know best and then I stumble and fall. Gods will for my life is such a good fit for my life, but I always try to go off and do something else. If I could just stop and concentrate on what God is doing and relax in Gods timing I could have a more enjoyable life with no worry or fear, but I often regress back to tue place where I am "in control" and find I feel anxious or afraid. Thank God I can still call on him when I am half way down my own path away from his will. Thank God he is such a forgiving God.

I chose today to think on and act on Gods will for my life and keep believing what he has for me, not what I have for me.