Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Hold you

♫Music♫, what can change a mood or a day like ♪ music??

I am missing my baby girl today and as I showered with some pandora playing in the background a song came on called ♫ "Held"♪ by Natalie Grant. In this song the lyrics sing ♫"The promise was, when everything fell, We'd be held."♪ It just took my whole mood and changed it.

 **There is no more cancer or any big crazy moments happening as the song sings of, just the ordinary problems of a single parent figuring out parenting**

The song is stating that God is there to hold ME! The promise isn't I will be coddled and live in a bubble, no, we have to live our lives and when the moment comes that everything is stripped away he is there to hold us through it. THROUGH IT, meaning we have to go through it, no easy button! I am learning so much through this process of rejection and yet still love. I love my baby in a way I can never replace, understand or even explain, but I also, in a weird way, am developing a new kind of love, a love for the person I want to hate.

I had a strong desire to put this dysfunction, the dysfunction that is my now life, into a family. I wanted to take the man who fathered my baby and keep him. I know its crazy, but since we already had to be together so often I started to just see how it could work as a family. I put this desire into feelings and laid those feelings out for this man to put off making a decision on multiple times, till I could no longer take what it was doing to me and told him to tell me his feelings, and ultimately let me feel that rejection.

It hurt. It hurt to feel rejected in such a vulnerable place, but it also felt so good to be relieved of trying. I was trying so hard to not jump out of my skin waiting. I was always waiting for him to just give me something. He gave me my answer and as much as it hurt, I was held! I was held and I am making my way through it. I am even learning to love him in a platonic way. I love that he is good to my baby girl. I have  a lot of moments I want to freak out, I often blog those moments, but  I am learning to have this underlying love. I am learning to control that love and keep it platonic. All through all of this, all of this learning God is there telling me he loves me and holding me through it. I can always count on him to be there whether its hard or easy, whether I like my circumstances or not, I am held and taken care of. I can look up and keep moving.

God may not take away everything bad and make everything perfect for us to coast by, but if he did would we learn anything? Would we really be happy just living a blah life? I mean I could definitely use a smoother day here or there, but each moment, each day teaches me. I get to wake up every day, hard or not, and enjoy life as a mommy, eat, breath, smile! Life is good no matter what happens because its life still.

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