Every morning I would read my devotions and every night the same. I was searching for more God and yet at the same time I was searching for a man I wanted on my time. I
concentrated on God thinking God understands my desire and will fulfill
it. I know how ridiculous this is, but I thought it. I would pray God
whatever your will is, but I still thought God will fulfill my desire
for what I WANT!
I realize now I have been doing a lot
of looking for what I want. I have not been doing any relaxing or
letting. I pray "God your will" but then I run and try to do my own. I
need to relax and know he is God! I don't even know what is best for me.
I took the plan B pill in December 2011 and today have a baby who was
unaffected by that decision. She was unaffected because she was a part
of his plan. She was a far better idea than I ever could have had so
that alone is proof that letting God steer and be in control is the way
to go.
Its time to stop looking, its time for me to NOT
date. As much as I want to make it obvious to the world that I have
moved on, that's not what is important, whats important is that I have! I
don't need to be with a man, I need to be content with me, I need to be
content as Gods child. I need to read more of the bible and know more of God than me.
How
would I date anyway? I have three times where I don't get to be with my
favorite little person and during that time I am trying to master this
whole blogging thing or I am cleaning up the messes I left knowing I
would have enough time to clean it later! I barely have time to connect
with any men and honestly by the time I get about two emails in with any of
them I am bored of them any way! I have to be honest, as much as I want
to go out on a date and feel like a WOMAN, I would much rather stay in
my yoga pants and lounge around with my tiny being. I mean I think
that's why things are the way they are. God gave us marriage to protect
us. So that on the days I want to go on a date in yoga pants I could
have done so with someone who loved me, even if he wasn't too happy
about my outfit, it wouldn't be as awkward as it would be to go on a
first date in yoga pants with a man who doesn't love my baby as much as K and I do.
I worry about when I do find
this man as well. I hate the idea of O having to meet anyone extra. Why should she have to navigate a life with two extra parents who she may love differently than each other. Her life will have more hurdles than it should and I find there are moments I feel guilty about that. I know God will be there for her and protect her, but I find myself worrying anyway.
I
don't want her to feel different than my other children when I have
them. I want her to know she is my love and I cherish her. I want to
show her more love than I was shown and that I would do anything for
her. I love her more than words can say and dating scares me because I
am afraid it could scar her. I want only the best for my baby, but I have already done enough to prove the opposite. All I can do now is pray God will watch out for her and help K and I build the best dula life possible around her!
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