Thursday, February 28, 2013

treating myself

So at the beginning of the week it was my birthday and I had an awful day...I think I set myself up, buuut I took control and decided it was time to do a little something for me. I used to barter for waxing with a woman with two kids, I would watch her kids she would wax my legs ;-D, but lately I haven't been able to do that with no vehicle and a 6 month old. I searched online and found a way to make my own wax!! I found and a recipe for my own sugar wax, though I changed it up and microwaved it in 2 minute increments stirring every break.
I did, however, learn this was the color I needed it to be (or maybe heated up again, but no lighter), definitely let it cool  a little and prepare for a mess!!

 I finally after 3 and a half months of legs I cant bare to shave, have nicely waxed legs. Yes I admit I had  the nastiest legs, but now they are smooth and perfect and I feel so much better. I also made a huge mess in the bathroom, but it was an easy clean up, needing only water to remove it from the floor and the shirt I tore up to wax with. It is so much easier and cheaper, plus tomorrow I am taking my little Oli to the pool and having bare legs is a must. I am so excited to show off my legs!! I have always been a big fan of wax over everything else. I was ready Monday for the pool, nothing to worry about and no last minute prep. Just grab the pool bag and GO!!! I love it.

Monday, February 25, 2013

a stone among gems

Today I feel like a stone among gems. I dont mean a gem stone, I mean like a plain old gray stone thats only purpose is to be skipped across the ocean and left for another day. I have so much beauty around me and I am so over blessed, but I am not the beautiful gem I have been made to be. I am too busy being ungrateful and complaining about everything. I spent the whole night up last night with my baby who for no reason didnt want to sleep and this morning instead of being nice to anyone I started right in on complaining. I have been told that I am a burden on my family and today it hits me how amazing everyone around me is to me even with me constantly whining and pointing out their flaws. I have been surrounded by gems and instead of their shine rubbing off on me I am trying to dull their beauty. I always find an excuse for why I cant be grateful or ill say im thankful for this or that and then I go about continuing to complain like having been grateful for a millisecond was good enough to let the complaining go on. Today I just want to be a nice caring grateful person. Today I will!! :-D:-D... Right after I get this baby down for a much needed mommy baby nap time!!!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Today marks the last day of being 26! I turn 27 tomorrow and im a little sad to see 26 go. I have enjoyed this past year with its ups, downs and all its little life lessons. I was pregnant on my birthday last year and my relationship was so uncertain. Today i am a mother of an almost 6 month old in a co parenting relationship that is certain and will not change. My life is falling into place in odd ways i would have never anticipated last year. I am so excited to see what 27 holds for me and my little bundle of love. I have so much to see and learn and this year will be a great one!! Thanks 26 for a great year, im excited to see what 27 has :-D:-D:-D

Friday, February 22, 2013

Oh co-sleeping

BoOoOmM!! My world imploded and exploded all at once. Let me set up the scene for you quickly:

I spent 9 months super single, had minimal contact with my "partner" and had completely written him of till he came back into the picture somewhat suddenly and at that point I had maybe weekly contact with him. I was ecstatic to have this baby. I had no reason to think of anyone else, she was a child of only a mother. Except now her father wanted in and I couldn't be the reason she had no father and he is a good man so in he came. I have the baby, shes perfect. She stays with me EVERY day for 4 weeks and all the sudden my walls are shattered and glass is flying everywhere for me when he tells me he wants alone time. So began my life change.

As many of you may know, being a mother is far different than being a nanny. It never occured to me that it would be this different. My child seems so much different. I know she doesn't need me every second of every day, but when she cries I don't see a point in letting her cry. I can help her so I do. Everything I have ever known, everything I have ever practiced, and even everything I have "preached" to other parents went right out the window! I am that mom who needs my own advice, but wont take it! I am not a super hero pro mommy that gets everything right!

I spent all of my time holding and cuddling that dear baby, and when he changed that my co sleeping went from exhausted mother just trying to get some sleep, to completely addicted to the habit. Ya its not such a bad habit and someone named it co sleeping and said its great for babies, but I know its not necessarily that good for us. She still wakes up in the middle of the night. I think she would sleep longer in her crib. I think I move or make a noise and she wakes up. When she wakes up and sees me she thinks oh time to play or time to wake mommy, up so she doesn't fall back to sleep like she should.

I am not discrediting co sleeping. I think co sleeping is an amazing bond between child and parent. I don't want to give it up, but I think it is hindering my poor little baby's sleep pattern. I am going to test some new sleep ideas tonight and I will update as to how things go for us, but as of tonight I don't think we can continue our amazing nightly ritual of co sleeping. I am going to go pout for a while then pick her up at her dads and attempt the new sleep rituals :-(

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Kids first

Single parenting and Co-parenting can be so difficult, especially when both parents obviously want whats best for the child(ren) but don't always agree on what that is. K and I don't always agree on timing and the way we communicate is a little messed up, so we both took a class called Kids first. Now that I have taken the class I think its a good idea for others to take it. Before I took the class I was thinking it probably would be a total waste of time, but after sitting through the four hours of class in hard uncomfortable seats, I think they had some really worth it points and I'm glad I went.

K went before I went so he could watch O and encouraged me to make sure I went. It took us both about an hour to get to the class so it ended up being about a 6 hour process. 6 hours missing my O but worth it.

Every parent no matter how good or how smart needs a little encouragement and a retraining at times. Its our human nature to parent our children, but that doesn't always mean we are right and its good to have another perspective.

In the kids first class we learned about what ages go through what when each child is put into this situation, the situation of learning to cope with moving back and forth and two single parents. I must say during this portion of the class I felt so badly for little O having to live her ENTIRE life in two homes. She has never known two loving parents under the same roof and it tears my heart open sometimes.

A lot of the things parents are to watch for are good changes because children try to put their parents back together by behaving well. I hope for Os sake that she never does this. I would hate for her to think it had anything to do with her that we are not together.

The main point of the class is to get over YOURSELF and MAKE things work with your parenting partner for the sake of the amazing child you made. Not to get back together or forever love each other, just get along and put on a good face for your child. K and I have been trying this but I think I lost track of what I was trying to do and this class sort of bumped me back on track. You need to keep an open mind to the other persons ideas and encourage them. If they fail or don't do whats right you have to keep on going and doing what is right, its not about your parenting partner or your feelings its about your child. I find this hard sometimes, why cant I lay down and have an all out tantrum? I mean i am only human, but what help is that to O? What does that teach her? Nothing good that's for sure! She needs her daddy and I need to show her how to treat others and how to act right in any situation. He deserves respect even when he is not respecting me and I do too! We all make mistakes, but we have to do our best to get up and keep moving, not stay angry over nothing.

Its extremely important to look at each situation through your child's eyes. If you fight what does your child see? If you are rude what does your child see? Your child learns from you in every situation even when they are young or out of the room so you have to practice being polite at all times to your partner  so you don't get caught being rude by your little but very important people.

They have to adapt to each situation and every move you make so remember that when make decisions for yourself. They always effect your child and your child should be given the time and tools to make it through each new thing you chose.

I am learning to not only think of O in the big decisions but in the every day little situations. In my everyday conversations. She is starting from scratch and even if K and I aren't on the same page, what I do and how I react makes a huge difference, so here goes nothing! ;-D

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Artichoke dip

So I had a random craving while I was pregnant for Artichoke. I have never eaten artichoke in my life so this was a new one. I just went and bought a whole artichoke and had no idea what to do with it. after finding a recipe and figuring out how to eat it I decided to look a little further and found a DELICIOUS spinach artichoke dip.

The recipe calls for:

2 cans artichoke hearts

8 oz cream cheese

large handful of spinach

large spoonful of mayo

Large spoonful of sour cream

Chilli powder to taste

cheese of choice sprinkled on top ( I think they recommended mozzarella but I used Parmesan)

So easy all you do is heat the cream cheese up in the microwave for about a minute till its a little softer than room temperature, diced up the spinach and artichokes, toss it all together sprinkle in some chili powder top it with a little cheese broil till the cheese is lightly browned EAT!!! I love it!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

crafty crafty crafty

Oh look its valentines day... And I didn't do anything with my baby yet.

Around 10 am I got a beautiful text from a friend of her amazing idea for valentines day

with the kids she watches. She spelled LOVE using two sisters, the oldest one did the O with her hand print and with the baby, who is just about my daughter age, she used both feet to make the V. Isn't it adorable. I wanted one. I just had to make one. I had no paint of any kind so I went, found a recipe and made myself finger paint. Ya Im pretty proud of myself for making it... I took 3 table spoons sugar, 2 cups water, 1/2 cup corn starch, and 1/2 tablespoon salt and heated it all up till it was thick... Added some dye and here it was, my own paint. So I took all Os clothes off and dipped her foot in the paint and before I could do anything somehow I had painted everything... I had paint on me, she had it everywhere, the walls had it the floor... Uh into the shower we went and when we came out... No card... I'm serious after the whole process we had a mess and no card. I gave up. I cant even believe it. I still have no cute little hand foot painting, I do have some cute little my first valentines day pictures and a lot of hugs and kisses from her. I guess its not so bad that I totally messed up our little valentines day cards. I had plans to make all kinds of cards too... oh well next year maybe ;-D

Hope you all had a wonderful valentines day

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

my two of the day

Im thankful for the ability to learn. I keep finding little tid bits of information on blogging and it totally excites me. This option really is looking good and I cant wait to see where I am in a year. I have learned so much and its not hard learning its perfectly comprehendable to me!!

I am grateful for, today I am a little stuck so i will go with something from the past. Today i am grateful for honesty. Okay so thats sort of the opposite of how i feel sometimes, today included, but i know i am honest and i feel there is no reason for him to be dishonest so i am trusting him anyway. I am grateful that we have been pretty honest with each other and that things are still a smooth little ride

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

God tried to protect me and I thought I knew better

Every morning I would read my devotions and every night the same. I was searching for more God and yet at the same time I was searching for a man I wanted on my time. I concentrated on God thinking God understands my desire and will fulfill it. I know how ridiculous this is, but I thought it. I would pray God whatever your will is, but I still thought God will fulfill my desire for what I WANT!

I realize now I have been doing a lot of looking for what I want. I have not been doing any relaxing or letting. I pray "God your will" but then I run and try to do my own. I need to relax and know he is God! I don't even know what is best for me. I took the plan B pill in December 2011 and today have a baby who was unaffected by that decision. She was unaffected because she was a part of his plan. She was a far better idea than I ever could have had so that alone is proof that letting God steer and be in control is the way to go.

Its time to stop looking, its time for me to NOT date. As much as I want to make it obvious to the world that I have moved on, that's not what is important, whats important is that I have! I don't need to be with a man, I need to be content with me, I need to be content as Gods child. I need to read more of the bible and know more of God than me.

How would I date anyway? I have three times where I don't get to be with my favorite little person and during that time I am trying to master this whole blogging thing or I am cleaning up the messes I left knowing I would have enough time to clean it later! I barely have time to connect with any men and honestly by the time I get about two emails in with any of them I am bored of them any way! I have to be honest, as much as I want to go out on a date and feel like a WOMAN, I would much rather stay in my yoga pants and lounge around with my tiny being. I mean I think that's why things are the way they are. God gave us marriage to protect us. So that on the days I want to go on a date in yoga pants I could have done so with someone who loved me, even if he wasn't too happy about my outfit, it wouldn't be as awkward as it would be to go on a first date in yoga pants with a man who doesn't love my baby as much as K and I do.

I worry about when I do find this man as well. I hate the idea of O having to meet anyone extra. Why should she have to navigate a life with two extra parents who she may love differently than each other. Her life will have more hurdles than it should and I find there are moments I feel guilty about that. I know God will be there for her and protect her, but I find myself worrying anyway.
 I don't want her to feel different than my other children when I have them. I want her to know she is my love and I cherish her. I want to show her more love than I was shown and that I would do anything for her. I love her more than words can say and dating scares me because I am afraid it could scar her. I want only the best for my baby, but I have already done enough to prove the opposite. All I can do now is pray God will watch out for her and help K and I build the best dula life possible around her!

oh thank you thank you thank you

Today was a nice day. I enjoyed playing with my sweet baby and she finally pooped, which was nice since I know its been bothering her the past two days. I am so thankful for her sweet baby face and smile, but the little simple day to day thing I am thankful for is naked time. She is so happy when any portion of clothing is taken off. If I take off the top part of her outfit and leave her in a onesie she is ecstatic. It amazes me how fast her mood changes if she can just bounce around in her little diaper! She was just laying there between outfits today when my large lab retriever came in and she went crazy. Talk about a happy girl, mixing naked time with a little puppy love she was beyond happy. He is a little hesitant around her and left shortly after making her day, but for the short time he was there it was hysterical to watch. So I am thankful for that moment brought to you by naked time ;-D!!

My single momma moment of gratefulness would have to be Ks willingness. He is always pretty easy to convince in most things. He is also becoming easier and easier to read so in moments I cant push him I know before I force him to snap. Today we had yet another easy conversation about a little date switching and no matter where it went we navigated it pretty easily and he was pretty open to what I was saying and asking for and I to what he was asking for. Its so nice when things are working because there is no easy way to share a child, especially if you are suspicious of the other person all the time!

Thank you God for being so gracious and letting this be my future.

Monday, February 11, 2013

adding a little cheese to the mix (mini recipe)

I love love looovvee a good home made baked chocolate treat. I recently have been using cream cheese in things since i loved it while pregnant. My mother make cream cheese brownies and I have fallen in love with them. Since I was a little girl she always made them with boxed brownie mix, which is really good, but makes me feel like a cheater. I recently took the brownie recipe I use and added her cream cheese topping to it to make some seriously delicious cream cheese brownies.
To add a little cheese to the mix all you have to do is take 8 oz of cream cheese softened (basically one package)
about 2 1/2 cups powdered sugar
1 egg
and beat them together, I usually add the powdered sugar as I'm beating. You don't want it to be too dry. Ill add a picture soon and repost.
Once your brownie is made and in its pan pour the cream cheese mix on top and run a fork through it so you get little brown lines in the cream cheese and the cream cheese covers the whole brownie. cook like normal and you should have a delightful addition to a usual dessert.

Made these tonight with half the recipe:

I ran the fork all the way through the brownie to get the cream cheese to  the bottom, this also makes the brownie cook a little differently and you may want to add a little extra time and expect gooey instead of cake like.
 I also only made it on half the brownie because I like to keep some plain to put at the bottom of my ice cream ;-D

grateful for...

Today i am grateful for aapppplleeess!!! My little cuddle buggy is teething and such a grump today so since I've started her in solid i gave her(held while she nawed on) a slice of my apple. She loved teething on it and sucking the juices out. It made her super happy and thats all i am concerned about lately.

I am over the hills thankful for K today as every time i am supposes to do something court related he goes and does it for me. I am definitely blessed to have gotten stuck with him for 18years. today he went and got the paper work for a motion to put off our mediation. We had a blizzard this past weekend and my class for kids first was moved to this up and coming weekend but  the whole point of it is for mediation so him getting the paper work really helps me out.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Today as Valentines approaches... which I have renamed. I am thankful for love. I dont have oooo la la love but I have every other kind and I am so happy for that. My heart is bursting with joy when I look at my baby and even when Im angry with the people who love O I am grateful for their love! I hope everyone has a little love today and every day!

I love poop pictures, or just any kind of knowledge that O has pooped. currently she is a little behind on her pooping and it makes me happy to know K will always keep me updated on her poops!!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

brain google+'d

I love the idea of blogging. I want to blog and be good at it and enjoy other people's blog and be a part of a blog community... But I am so lost! I have a lot of learning to do! First I need to figure out how to fond new people. On my phone I can barely figure out any of it minus the simple blogging and people I already found.

What about hashtags? And what are these labels... I've started experimenting but still a little lost! I am so excited to have it all figured out,  but I have so little time. I love enjoying my baby and to take time from her to study google seems ridiculous! I think as I learn ill blog about it wo my readers can learn too or the knowledgeable ones can help. Also you can watch my growth and know this is where I started out ;-) brain googled!

the blizzard isnt giving up, neither is my thankful heart

I am so grateful today for water, silly? No way! I drink it all day long trying to avoid juice, as I am a chocoholic, i have only made it to step one: admitting I have a problem ;-). I use it to wash dishes, to flush things :-/, in cooking, and even to clean myself. Today I went to take my shower and Os little tubby was still there from the night before. When i went to take it out she went crazy in her bouncy seat, she loves her tubby! I started the shower and proceeded to get ready to shower, as I went to disappear behind the curtain without O she screamed and flailed all of her limbs as if to protest my shower. I know exactly what shes saying... Take me!! So I decided to put her tubby back in and take her with me. She was elated. She kicked in her tubby and laughed and when i held her she reached for the water. She loves water too. I can safely safe O is grateful for water!!

In my sItUaTiOn(im using a voice to mock myself ;-) thats what the letterings about), I am abundantly grateful for protection. So far K and I have been kept safe and kept O safe in all of our different adventures. Today as snow dumps from the sky he,K, is out driving his plow truck to and from different places trying to keep up with the large amount of snow we are getting. I am grateful that we are safe and each of us is protected by our amazing God, whom O and I prayed to together holding hands last night, she laughed so much at me trying to pray with her! There is nothing cuter than having your own baby!! <3<3<3

I hope everyone else is safe today and enjoying the warmth of their homes and families. I pray for those with no homes that they are safe today!

Friday, February 8, 2013

day four in a blizzzzzzzarrrdd;-);-) yikes

Its snowing and windy outside so I have A LOT to be grateful for. I have a home, warmth, food, family, all kinds of great things!! The one simple thing im grateful for is chocolate chips :-D:-D. Oh yes, they are so small and so basic, but they make things so much better. I had a delicious day thanks to my semi sweet bag of chocolate chips! Thank you nestle!!

The big thing, in my baby situation, to be grateful for  is that telepathy is not real! I say that with a seriously straight face right now! Man if people could read my mind... If K could read my mind... Im sure I'd be in big trouble, especially today. I had a lapse in thought control today and slipped down a the thoughtless slope towards the silly idea of K and I happy TOGETHER ((SCARY MOVIE SOUND EFFECTS HERE)). Our relationship is perfectly where it should be and as you may have read I am grateful to K for keeping it there. As a crazy (not literally...) chocolate loving woman I tend to get a little carried away and today I needed to take a step back and use self control and I am thankful K didnt see what I thought :-/:-/ and you better not tell him what you read ;-);-)

Three days and I love my life!

I do live a good life.

Today I am so thankful for peace. I had a wonderfully peaceful day with my little O. We walked our wonderful golden retriever ( yes he is a mix!) Nemo, even though it was a little too chilly, listened to kids tunes and just enjoyed being the only two home for the first time in a while. I know a lot of moms might find it nice to have the opposite, a little extra help, but sometimes I just want to be with my baby alone and today was that day! I am so grateful for such a great baby!!

I am grateful for smiling in my relationship with Os father. Today there was smiling and after a perfectly quick drop off I thouhght back to how it wasnt uncomfortable or awkward it was happy and easy. I love eay drop offs.

I just got a call and I need to be easier to talk to. I can be so harsh with my responses and I just want everyone to get through this with ease but its me that makes it hard. I feel so guilty with my inabilty to hold my tongue and say things that seem to make it difficult.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

A simple feather falls from the sky

In advance, sorry about the color I tried it out and liked it at first and since I did it Im leaving it, but its not good ha ha ;-/
Today as I drove my baby girl to her fathers house I stopped at a stop sign and as many cars were driving by I noticed something floating directly towards my window. It seemed almost alive and as I concentrated solely on figuring out what it was I saw it was a beautiful, though somewhat ruffled, feather. It made me smile. It was floating right towards me as a sign. Today, while playing with my little girl, we had listened to a song singing "the most beautiful feather" and it was as though God was saying to me I am this beautiful feather. Now I don't know if you know how it feels to have had a baby, but after I felt less than my former super fit self. I struggled in the beginning with my self image not because I was fat or unbelievably ugly, more because I wanted to put less time into myself and more towards my daughter yet I slept far less, leaving large bags (yes multiple) under my eyes. My skin is not the beautiful tan from sunning all summer since I avoided the suns harmful dehydrating rays my entire pregnancy and I am, as you may have read, single. I wanted so badly to just go on one simple date with my baby's father, but not only would that have been detrimental to our current ability to enjoy each others company as friends, it would not have given me what I was looking for. He had refused and I have moved on, I do still desire to date, fulfilling that feeling of being desired, but now I know I am desirable and God was once again showing me he created me, not only beautifully, but to withstand this and anything else that should come my way. The feather had been ruffled and when I had looked up I noticed there were many birds in the area sort of fighting each other and flying in front of traffic. I don't know why else they might have been doing this, but I know what I got out of it. I am beautiful and though on this journey I will be ruffled by many situations, like the one I am currently in, I will still float out of them just as beautiful because he is with me, or as the air carried this feather, he is carrying me! I think it is amazing how something so small and simple can bring so much meaning to someones life as it did in mine. Thank you God

diapers, diapers, or diapers?

I have worked with kids for a long time and through this I had found what I thought were the best diapers. So far I have used those diapers on my now 5 month old daughter. I recently was wandering around and started looking at diapers as a mom with mom experience, which I am now finding does have some little differences. My daughter is nursing and just started on solid foods so her "business" is not jumbo sized elephant poop or anything, mostly loose or one little clay like nugget (need more?? ;-D). I literally have told people I would never use cloth diapers, but as I go through this journey that is my life I am noticing how different I am from my past self. I am not a total organic everything health nut, I have been known to say G.M.O. is defined as Genetically modified organics, which it is not and even now I will never buy those organic disposable diapers! Lately, though, I have begun sliding down that scale getting closer to full blown health nut, why you ask? Some of it is fun. Its fun to make my own baby food, its not unbearable to breast feed (as long as this biting down, twisting and pulling stays minimal!), and having a new life just makes you want to keep it as clean and as pure as it started out. So having said all of that I found what I think it the cutest cloth diaper and I sent the link to K. I am actually hoping that even if they are awful that we take the opportunity to try them not only for the fun colors and designs, but they also make swimmies and I know for a FACT that disposable swimmies are useless!

This could be a very bad idea... a very very bad idea, but if K decides to go along with it, which I pray he does since I currently make little money and need him to buy all the diapers... I must say I am super grateful for him, he may push my buttons and make me want to explode sometimes but when all is said and done hes probably one of the best "baby daddy"s out there!  So keep you're fingers crossed for me, say some prayers and Ill keep you posted on our diapering decisions.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

day two and im still thankful

today is a test of my true ability to be grateful in my situation... I'll tell you about that in a second.
First I am grateful for YouTube. Its simple but you can learn so much. I have learned a little about mom blogging and I am so grateful for... Im not sure if I should start tagging people yet

I am grateful for forgiveness in my situation. Not only that I can be forgiven for my short comings by K but that I can simply and easily forgive him and move on from the stupid arguments we have. Today he text asking to bring O being  to me at 7 and I responded but he didn't receive my response so he called. He told me if I hadn't answered and he hadn't called he was going to take our 5 month old baby girl in his truck to put a plow on his truck. I for obvious reasons didnt like this and we got into the stupidest argument. I think in our situation it takes complying to stupid things to make it work he thinks he can do what he wants no matter what because she came from his sperm. I dont know if you can read the irritation in my blog but I have obviously strayed. I forgive him for reacting so harshly to my concern and when he finally arrived with Oli e we had a civil drop off again...sometimes you cant hold on to it or it will hurt everyone more than its helping anyone. I am glad things left off the way they did. I am so thankful its still working.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

making life better one move at a time

I feel I am always complaining. I walk away from a conversation and I think wow I talked a lot and I feel so negative about it. So right now I am committing to being thankful for one thing via blog daily. I am so thankful for so many things but now I will make them for front of my mind by picking one to tell you all about daily. I am so thankful today for something very simple, air freshners. I am sitting in the locker room in planet fitness and it smells so bad that it reminds me I dont have to ever smell this smell if I dont want to because someone disliked it and did something about it. something am thankful for so many things but im starting off with this simple one because today im feeling so grateful for life in general something simple and silly seems right.
I actually would like to theme these a little more towards my current situation as well so i guess i will do two things a day. One general simple thing and one about being a single parent.
Today I am grateful for the way K and I normally interact. There is never a drop off where we aren't civil to each other. Today O was happy he smiled i smiled drop offs like that are the only reason i can get through an overnight without her. I am so grateful for our interactions today!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

whats on my mind

Before I end my night tonight I am just thinking about this time last year. I had no idea what was growing inside me, i currently have a beautiful beginning to crawl 5 month old baby girl, but 12 months ago i was still unaware that i was pregnant. I had botched two tests and thought i was 100% not pregnant, i cant believe its already been a year and i already have a perfect little baby. I am so blessed!

February 2 2013 bible reading

The reading is on John 17:9 and i never u derstand the words right away... Its a prayer Jesus prayed for those in the world who chose to follow him. The devotion speaks of how we should go around blessing and praying for people to be blessed.

I cant concentrate on my devotions lately. I know what I need to change with them and they are helpful but my mind wanders so often.
Im going to be a little open and even though I wont divulge too many details if you read what I write you will get what im talking about.
I have been thinking a lot about this one certain situation in my life and I don't know what God wants me to do. I feel so good about the idea to move ahead with my life and find new things to take the place of the old but at the same time I wonder if the old is just getting ready to become the new (sort of exciting ;-)). I wonder if im not suppose to run ahead and find anything new. I know God probably doesn't think I should be looking for anything anyway and I should probably just let God take me where he wants me, follow the winds of his desires for me. I cant help but wonder what's next and want to search for it myself... I know unhealthy. God created me with purpose and a future that holds many wonderful things im just ready for a certain one. I can wait... I can wait forever. Im perfectly content where I am, my mind must starts to wonder and then I get so curious (I know what curiousity does dont worry) that i want to test the waters and look for something new. I wish i could just be quiet enough to hear God speak to me. I am going to be praying for Gods will... Pray that I hear him on this one soon please ;-) thanks