Tuesday, April 9, 2013
who taught you to hide?
I dont know about you, but I have been finding mommyhood has held up a mirror for me, shined a light, bringing out some nasty little hidden areas that, if ignored, could potentially hurt my ability to raise my child. It wasn't easy to see the connections between how I felt about certain people and how it may affect my ability to be a mother, but once the light was turned on to the dark corners of my secret hiding place I realized I absolutely had to do something about it.
I had been allowing myself to put a lot of energy in negative feelings and thought for a certain person, that was spilling into negative feelings for several people. All the energy and anger building up was exhausting and frustrating. I would avoid seeing this person at all costs, I would spend a lot of time talking to the people who knew this person, not only hurting myself and the person I was talking about, but hurting the ears listening. Its not always easy to see but sharing negative stories with people who have a slight aversion towards someone begins to grow that aversion and drag those people down to that dark place where cob webs grow and people get lost.
If I continue to grow this negativity I will be teaching my child not only to dislike the same person, but that my behavior to treat him the way I do is okay. I would show her running from her problems is okay. I would show her snappy, rude responses were okay. I had even let my negativity roll over to how I treated HER father. Before I became a mother I swore I would never utter a negative word about my child's parent ever, no matter the circumstance. With the mindset I have slipped into I have allowed negative words to flow from my mouth in front of her multiple times, and though she is young, I refuse to allow myself to be okay with it. She needs good role models, I have said this to her father may times, but have not thought of it in my own life, so I commit now to change my thoughts first so I can change my actions.
The thing about thoughts is they are so easy to let go wherever they want, but there are repercussions that are not always noticeable since they are not immediate, nor do they point towards those thoughts. They escape judgement and immediate disciplinary actions. Keeping my thoughts in check has proven to be a task, but one I am working hard at and has already shown it worth. As I work on controlling my thoughts I notice being around people I dislike gets easier and my whole day runs smoother. Its amazing what happens when we grow up!