What really is failure? When I looked it up online I found it to mean unsuccessful, subnormal quantity or quality. Lately I feel like I am working at subnormal quality. I have a job that I can only do so much at, I have no car, bare minimum in basically everything, and I'm running around in a fantasy world thinking things will all work out but I won't have to lift a finger to make it. As the days wind on I have been finding myself breaking down more often. My flaws have been magnified by my family and my inability to be a better mom is growing harder to ignore.
I live a pretty easy happy life, but everyday, in every decision i make, there are at least 3 people mocking each of my decisions and making me feel less than the mom i want to be. I think in every mom story there are moments where she just doesn't feel good enough, or like she is doing the right thing, and as i write this I feel oddly encouraged to look my audience of hecklers in the face and tell them to squeeze out their own human being and make the choices for them but this is my child and I am doing a fine job!
I love being a mom. I love ge smiles and hugs I get from the child I care for, I love watching her grow and learn new things. It hurts sometimes, having to let her go, watching her walk away crying, but I know that with each tear there are millions more smiles and cute picture. I just have to keep looking onward at the baby I am making and stop watching the family around me who doesn't always know what's best.
babe, i feel you. i salute you for doing what you are doing. you ARE a good mom Eva, you are. we are but human, we break down. *hugssss!!* i really wish i am there to have a cry it out session with you.
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